LOVE’S YOUNG DREAM
The young couple had just got down to business when the
girl suddenly stopped.
“What’s wrong, sweetheart, am I hurting you, shall I take it
out?”
“Yes,” she murmured. “Would you mind taking it out and
then putting it in a few times until I make up my mind?”
★ ★ ★
“Hello, Colin, what are you doing riding around on that
woman’s bicycle?”
“Well, it’s a long story,” replied Des. “I was on my way into
town when this lady passes me on a bicycle. She stops, waits
for me to catch up, gives me a kiss and then takes her clothes
off!”
“You can have anything you want,” she says, so I took the
bicycle…Well, I’m not a pervert, I don’t wear women’s
clothes.”
★ ★ ★
Halfway up a 1 in 4 hill the couple’s car spluttered to a halt.
“Shall we get out and push it up?” asked the man.
“That’s a good idea,” she replied, “but will it be alright to
leave the car here?”
★ ★ ★
On another occasion the car broke down on a very cold
winter’s day.
“I’ll soon have it mended,” said the man and he jumped out
of the car and tinkered about underneath the bonnet. Five
minutes later he got back in the car and put his hands
between her legs.
“It’s so cold out there, my hands are freezing up so I’m just
trying to warm them,” he explained.
Over an hour went past and every 10 minutes he would jump
back in the car to warm up his hands between her legs. On
the seventh occasion she turned to him and said, “It’s a
shame your ears don’t suffer from the cold as well.”
★ ★ ★
“Oh my darling,” whispered the passionate young man. “Am
I the first man you’ve ever made love to?”
“Yes, yes,” she replied, looking bored. “Why do men always
ask the same silly question?”
★ ★ ★
How do you know if your girlfriend’s frigid?
When she opens her legs, the light goes on.
★ ★ ★
A bloke was walking through the park late at night when he
stood on a man’s bottom.
“Oh thank you,” said a girl’s voice.
★ ★ ★
It was 11.30 at night as the young couple made their way back
from the pub. Suddenly they could contain their passion no
longer and stopping by a fence he took her there and then.
Unfortunately their excitement was so boisterous that the
fence was knocked down and the sound brought the
householder storming down the garden.
“What the hell’s going on?” he yelled. “I want £60 now to
repair that bloody fence.”
The man paid up and later when they were alone, he turned
to his girlfriend and said, “Come on, Sylvie, you’re always on
about equal rights, how about giving me half towards the
fence?”
“Get real!” she answered. “You were the one doing all the
pushing.”
★ ★ ★
What is an outdoor girl?
One with the bloom of youth in her cheeks and the cheek of
youth in her bloomers.
★ ★ ★
The village idiot was getting a lot of teasing from the local
boys.
“Hello, Jake,” they said. “We hear you’ve been practising a
lot of sexual positions.”
“That’s right,” he said proudly. “I hopes to try them on girls
soon.”
★ ★ ★
A rather reticent young girl was asked how she got on with
her new boyfriend.
“Let’s just say my legs are my best friends,” she replied
mysteriously.
“Oh come on,” said her mate. “What does that mean?”
“It means he came on too strong so I walked home.”
A few weeks later the two friends were talking and the girl’s
mate asked her how her new date went on the previous
night.
“Pretty much as before,” she replied. “My legs are my best
friends.”
Time went by and on the third time they met up, the girl
looked radiantly happy.
“You’re looking well,” commented her mate. “Something’s
doing you good.”
“Oh yes,” replied the girl. “I’ve met this wonderful bloke and
let’s just say even the best of friends must part.”
★ ★ ★
Overheard in a parked car down lover’s lane:
“Suck, suck, Emma…blow is just a figure of speech.”
★ ★ ★
Did you hear about the young girl who swallowed a pin when
she was 10 and never felt a prick until she was 19?
★ ★ ★
“Now don’t forget,” said mother as her daughter went out
on her first date, “say no to everything he suggests.”
Later on in the evening after they’d been out to dinner he
turned to her and asked, “Do you mind if we go back to my
place for a bit of sex?”
★ ★ ★
“Hey darling, what do you think of this photo, it’s me posing
for the centrefold – good ain’t it?” boasted the young man.
“Mmm,” replied the girl. “If I were you, I’d get it enlarged.”
★ ★ ★
The boy was so frustrated. He’d been seeing this girl for
over a month but apart from some kissing and cuddling,
he’d never made a move on her because he was embarrassed
at the small size of his willy. Eventually, he plucked up all his
courage took it out and placed it in her hand.
“No thanks,” she said, “I don’t smoke.”
★ ★ ★
“Why have you got those marks on your knees?” her friend
asked.
“Oh, it’s making love, doggie style.”
“Well, why don’t you change positions?”
“I’m willing, but the dog isn’t.”
★ ★ ★
After thrashing away for a good five minutes, the man lay
back on the bed smiling smugly.
“How was it for you, darling, good?”
“Quite painless actually,” she replied. “I never felt a thing.”
★ ★ ★
Mum walks into the bedroom to find her daughter in fits of
tears.
“Oh mum, it’s so unfair. Yesterday, Derek said he’d buy me a
diamond ring if I stayed the night with him. So I did, but all
he bought was a cheap trinket.”
“My darling,” says Mum. “Always remember this and you
won’t fall into the trap again. When they’re hard they’re soft
and when they’re soft, they’re hard.”
★ ★ ★
He’s called Jack the Whistler because by putting two fingers
in his mouth his whistle can be heard over a mile away. One
evening, Jack takes his girlfriend down lovers’ lane and by
the time they’re ready to go home it’s very late and they catch
sight of the last bus disappearing round the corner.
“Quick, Jack, whistle,” urges the girlfriend. Jack starts to put
his fingers to his mouth but suddenly stops.
“No, I’ve a better idea,” he says. “I feel like a bit of exercise
tonight, let’s walk.”
★ ★ ★
A young hitch hiker got a lift with a lorry driver but halfway
through the night they found themselves stranded on top of
the moors. The driver told her they’d have to wait till
morning before getting help so she could have his bed in the
cabin and he would sleep on the seat. After a while, the girl
whispered, “It’s a shame you have to give up your bed, why
don’t you come in with me, there’s plenty of room.”
So the man got in beside her.
“It might be nice if we slept ‘married’,” she giggled.
“Whatever you like,” he said, and he turned his back to her
and went to sleep.
★ ★ ★
If only the young man had been more sexually experienced!
When she asked him if he fancied something from the
Karma Sutra, he replied, “Thanks, but not for me. Indian
food has me on the toilet all night.”
★ ★ ★
“Hi handsome! Is that a gun in your hand or are you just
pleased to see me?”
“It’s a gun,” he replied.
★ ★ ★
The man was desperate.
“But Julie, the size of a man’s tackle isn’t everything. Don’t
you think a man’s personality is more important?”
She replied, “But you haven’t much of a personality either!”
★ ★ ★
“Oh my darling, do you always kiss with your eyes closed?”
whispered the smitten young man.
“Only when I have to kiss you,” she replied.
★ ★ ★
“Oh Tracy, I love you,” he simpered. “Please tell me there’s
no one else in your life.”
“Of course there’s no one else,” she replied. “Do you think
I’d go to the cinema with a nerd like you, if there was another
man?”
★ ★ ★
Johnny and Sarah disappeared behind the barn where they
were soon rolling around on the ground, shagging for all
they were worth. All of a sudden Johnny said, “Heh doll, is
my prick in you or in the mud?”
Sarah felt around and replied, “Well I never, it’s in the mud.”
“Put it back then, sweetheart.”
A little later, Johnny asked again, “Is my prick in you or in
the mud?”
“Don’t worry, it’s alright,” said Sarah, “it’s in me.”
“Well, be a sport and put it back in the mud, would you?”
★ ★ ★
The 20-year-old son of the house was smitten with the au pair
who looked after his baby sister. He was sure he was in love
and did all he could to attract her attention. Finally, his
efforts were successful and he enticed the au pair into bed.
But to his horror, he couldn’t get Percy to rise and felt
profoundly embarrassed.
“Don’t worry about it,” said the au pair gently. “Sometimes
this happens to your father as well.”
★ ★ ★
“Hello, Bert, what a lovely day. Where are you off too?”
“I’m going courting.”
“Really! But why are you wearing wellingtons?”
“I’ve got to have somewhere to put the sheep’s back legs.”
★ ★ ★
Steve was a down-to-earth cockney lad from the East End
docks of London. At this time, he had a problem and he
didn’t know what to do. He was in love with two girls and
they were in love with him. There was Tracy who worked in
her dad’s eel pie and mash shop. She was blonde, beautiful
and funny. But there was also Maria, dark and stunning, kind
and thoughtful. One day he was passing a church and
decided to go inside for some divine inspiration. He knelt
down in one of the pews and prayed.
“Oh God, please ‘elp me. I’ve gotta decide who to wed, shall
I marry Tracy or Maria?”
When he had finished he looked up and smiled gratefully,
for over the alter he read “Ave Maria”. And that’s just what
he did.
★ ★ ★
“What’s wrong, Jake, you look all fired up,” said his mate.
“I sure am. My girl’s going to die of the clap.”
“No, don’t worry. People don’t die of the clap these days.”
“They do when they give it to me.”
★ ★ ★
An unscrupulous young man had fancied this girl for ages
but she had shown no interest in him so he decided to play a
trick on her. The next time he saw her sunbathing on the
beach he went up and said, “Hi Julie, I bet you £10 I can
keep an eye on my clothes while I dive into the sea.”
Now Julie felt pretty sure that it would be impossible for him
to dive in and watch the beach at the same time so she
accepted the bet. The young man took a false eye out of his
pocket put it on his clothes and then dived into the water.
When he returned he smiled and said, “Come on, Julie, I bet
you another £10 I can bite my own ear.”
“Oh no,” she said, “Not more tricks. I suppose it’s plastic
teeth this time?”
“I promise you they’re my own,” he said, so she accepted the
bet. He took out his false teeth and bit his own ear. Now Julie
was down £20 and feeling very annoyed.” Heh Julie, I’ll give
you a chance to win all your money back. I bet I can make
love to you and you won’t feel a thing.
“Now Julie knew all about sex and she knew that was
impossible so she took the bet. He got down on top of her
and away they went. “Ah ah” she said triumphantly. “I can
feel you!”
“Oh well,” he said grinning. “You win some, you lose some.”
★ ★ ★
“Doctor, doctor, my dick has turned yellow, what can I do?”
asked the worried young man.
“Well, that’s extraordinary,” replied the doctor. “Do you
work with dyes or chemicals?”
“No, I’m unemployed.”
“What do you do all day?”
“I just watch television and eat Quavers.”
★ ★ ★
A nymphomaniac was walking home late at night when she
was attacked and raped by a man who had been lying in wait.
When it was over he turned to her and said, “What are you
going to do now?”
“I’m going to run home and tell my flatmate I’ve been raped
twice … unless you’re not tired yet,” she replied.
★ ★ ★
It was the annual dance at the town hall and a couple were
dancing very close together. After a while the girl whispered
in his ear, “Why don’t we go outside to the car?”
“Oh I don’t know,” he said. “I like dancing.”
But the girl continued to coax him and eventually he agreed.
When they got outside it was pitch black so the man
produced a torch from his pocket.
“Have you had that torch with you all night?” she asked.
“Yes,” he said.
“Oh well, in that case let’s go back to the dance.”
★ ★ ★
A young girl travelling on a crowded train asked a man if she
could have his seat because she was pregnant. The man
immediately jumped up and the girl sat down. As the man
looked at her he remarked, “You don’t look pregnant, how
far gone are you?”
“Oh, about 30 minutes,” she replied “but it sure is
knackering.”
★ ★ ★
Three beautiful young girls are walking along the beach
when they come across a man sunbathing. He has no arms
or legs. The first girl goes up to him and says, “Have you ever
been hugged?”
The man shakes his head, so she bends down and gives him
a big hug. The second girl asks him if he has ever been
kissed. Again he shakes his head so she bends down and
gives him a long lingering kiss. Then the third girl asks him
if he has ever been fucked.
“No, no,” he stammers, his face lighting up in anticipation.
“Well, you are now,” she replies “the tide’s coming in.”
★ ★ ★
Looking through an open bedroom window one night, a
Peeping Tom came upon a young couple playing a rather
kinky game. Stark naked, they were sitting in opposite
corners of the room, a bag of marbles besides the man, and
a pile of hoops besides the woman. As he watched the
woman threw a hoop and it landed on the man’s erect penis.
“Hooray!” she said “One to me”.
Then the man rolled a marble straight between her legs and
cheered “Now it’s one all.”
The next day the Peeping Tom’s wife was going shopping
and asked him if there was anything he needed.
“Yes,” he replied with a secret grin on his face “A bag of
sprouts and a packet of polo mints.”
★ ★ ★
Friday 24 July 2015
THE LAW
THE LAW
The woman was up in court for a second time, filing for
divorce. Three years earlier she had divorced her first
husband because she claimed his “tackle” was too big. This
time she wanted a divorce because her husband was “too
small.”
The judge granted her divorce but just before she left the
court he gave her some words of warning.
“Madam, this court does not want to see you here again so be
careful how you choose a third husband. We have more
important things to do than sort out the right fitting for you.”
★ ★ ★
One day while on traffic control, a policeman flags down a
car for speeding. As he walks up to the car he sees it is being
driven by a beautiful brunette.
“Excuse me, Miss, did you not see the signs, this is a 30 mph
zone and you were going at least 50 mph. May I see your
licence and insurance please?”
“Oh dear,” replies the dizzy girl. Do you mean these,
officer?” and she hands him some documents from her bag.
“That’s right, Miss, won’t be a moment”, and with that he
walks over to his car to radio in the details.
“I think I know this woman,” comes the reply, “is she a dizzy
brunette?”
“Yes, why?”
“Just go back over and take your trousers down.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” says the policeman in
amazement.
“Don’t worry, just do as I say, it’ll be fine.”
So the policeman returns to the woman’s car, hands back her
documents and drops his trousers.
“Oh wow,” she replies, “not another breathalyser.”
★ ★ ★
It was late at night and the police were out checking for
erratic driving. They spotted a car travelling alone along the
dual carriageway and decided to follow it. The car never
exceeded the speed limit, gave all the correct signals as it left
the main road and when they reached the town it pulled up
correctly at all the traffic lights. Eventually, the police car
overtook the car and flagged it down.
“Good evening, Sir,” said the policeman.
“We felt we had to stop you to congratulate you on your
perfect driving skills.”
“Well, thank you, officer,” replied the driver, “I always drive
very carefully, especially when I’ve had a bit to drink.”
★ ★ ★
Three country lads were out in the big city when they were
attacked by a mugger.
“Give me all your valuables,” he hissed, “or I’ll inject you
with AIDS.”
Immediately, two of the lads handed over their wallets and
then ran away. The third lad, however, refused so the
mugger injected him. Later, when the three lads met up, the
two who had handed over all their money looked at their
friend aghast.
“Don’t you realise what he’s done? You’ve been injected with
AIDS.”
The third lad smiled.
“No, no, it’s alright, I’m wearing a condom.”
★ ★ ★
“You are up before this court for the hideous crime of
making love to your wife after she had died. Do you have
anything to say in your defence?”
“Yes, your honour. I didn’t know she was dead, she’d been
like that for years.”
★ ★ ★
A music hall entertainer is stopped by the police for having
a faulty break light, and on the back seat of the car, the
policeman spots a whole set of knives. He asks the man why
he has them – doesn’t he know it’s against the law to carry
knives.
The man explains that the knives are used in his act – he
juggles them.
The policeman insists the man gets out to show him so he
stands at the roadside performing his act. Just then, another
car drives by and the driver turns to his wife, saying, “Thank
goodness I gave up the demon drink, just look how the
police test you these days.”
★ ★ ★
A man stumbles into the police station yelling blue murder
that his car has been stolen.
“Can you tell me where you left it, Sir?” asks the duty
sergeant.
“On the end of this bloody key,” he screeches.
Now it had been a difficult evening and the duty sergeant’s
temper was at boiling point. He retorted, “Listen here, you
wretched little man, you’re so bloody drunk, you can’t
remember anything and your whole behaviour is
disgraceful. Why! you’ve even left your flies undone.”
“Fucking hell,” slurred the drunk, “they’ve stolen my
girlfriend as well.”
★ ★ ★
The traffic police flag down a car for driving erratically and
ask the driver, a young girl, to step out of the car and take a
breathalyser test. As they look at the results, the policeman
turns to the girl and remarks severely, “You’ve had a few stiff
ones tonight, Miss.”
“Oh my goodness,” she exclaims blushing. “I didn’t know it
told you that as well.”
★ ★ ★
“You are up before this court for entering a dog in the local
pet show,” said the judge. “You will go to prison for 3
months.”
★ ★ ★
“Okay, this is a robbery, everyone down on the floor
immediately,” shouted the armed raiders as they ran into the
bank. Everyone lay face down on the floor except for one
girl who lay on her back.
“Hey,” whispered her friend, “this is a bank robbery, not the
office party, so turn over.”
★ ★ ★
A very drunk man was walking down the street, one foot on
the pavement and the other on the road.
“I shall have to arrest you for being drunk,” said the
policeman.
“Drunk?” said the man. “How can you tell?”
“You are walking with one foot on the pavement and the
other on the road,” replied the officer.
“Oh that’s wonderful” said the drunk, “for a while I thought
I had one leg shorter than the other.”
★ ★ ★
The traffic police spotted a man staggering towards his car
and opening the driver’s door. They stopped and confronted
him.
“Excuse me, sir, but I hope you are not intending to drive the
car?”
“Of course I am, officer,” he slurred. “I’m in no state to
walk.”
★ ★ ★
A naive young man found himself in the wrong part of town
late at night, and got attacked by a gang of muggers. He put
up a terrific fight but was eventually overcome and lay
bleeding on the ground. When the muggers went through
his pockets, all they found was a handful of loose change.
“You went through all that just to protect a few coins?” they
asked amazed.
“Oh I see,” said the man. “For a while I thought you were
after the £500 hidden in my shoe.”
★ ★ ★
“What’s wrong, miss?” asked the kindly policeman when he
saw the girl crying.
“A thief has just stolen £20 I had hidden inside my
knickers,” she sobbed.
“Did you try to stop him?”
“I didn’t know he was only after my money.”
★ ★ ★
The traffic police flagged down the car.
“Excuse me, Sir, you’ve just hit four parked cars and driven
straight over the middle of the roundabout. It’s obvious you
are very drunk.”
“Officer, thank you so much for telling me. I thought the
steering had gone on the car.”
★ ★ ★
The judge turned to the woman and asked, “I see you’re
divorcing your husband on the grounds that he is a slob and
uncouth. Can you give me any examples of this?”
“Yes, your honour. Whenever we go out he always drinks tea
with his pinkie sticking out.”
“But there’s nothing wrong with that,” said the judge. “It’s
considered good manners in some circles to drink tea with
the little finger sticking out.”
“But I wasn’t talking about fingers,” she replied accusingly.
★ ★ ★
A gang of notorious bank robbers stormed through the
doors waving their guns and demanding all the customers
line up against the wall. While some of his men started
putting the money from the safe into bags, the leader
shouted to his hostages, “Before we go, we’re going to rape
all the men and rob all the women.”
Hearing this, one of the gang turned to him and said, “Boss,
you mean rape all the women and rob all the men.”
Suddenly a young gay man said, “Hey, he’s the boss, you
should do as he says.”
★ ★ ★
The judge turned to the farmer and said, “Mr Brown, you
are in this court to claim damages against this truck driver,
for the awful injuries you sustained at the time of the
accident. And yet, Mr Brown, at the time of the accident you
were heard to say to the policeman that you’d never felt
better. Kindly explain.”
“It’s like this, your honour” replied the farmer. “At the time
of the accident the policeman went over to my dog, and
seeing it was so badly injured, he shot it. Then he went over
to my two cows and when he saw they had broken legs, he
shot them as well. So when he came and asked me how I felt,
I thought it was a good idea to tell him I’d never felt better.”
★ ★ ★
Instead of sending two convicted drug dealers to jail, the
judge decides to give them both 250 hours of community
service.
“You will work in a drug rehabilitation centre, explaining to
those poor addicts the evils of drug abuse. After your
sentence you will return to me with a full report of your
work.”
The two drug dealers carry out the judge’s wishes and return
to him at the end of their sentence.
“How did it go?” the judge asks the first man.
“I managed to get 31 people off drugs,” he replies.
“Well done, and how did you manage that?”
“I drew two circles – one large and one small. I told them the
large circle was the size of their brain before drugs, and the
small circle was what their brain would be like after drugs.”
The judge then asks the second man how he did.
“I got 200 people off drugs,” he replies.
“But that’s staggering,” says the judge. “How did you manage
that?”
“Well, I drew two pictures – a small circle and a large circle.
I showed them the small circle first and told them that was
their arsehole before going into prison …”
★ ★ ★
A young woman is alone in a railway carriage when a
dishevelled lout walks in, sits opposite her and takes out a
packet of peeled prawns to eat. Belching and farting, he eats
his way through the packet and then throws the empty carton
onto the floor.
At this point the young woman gets up, gathers together all
the rubbish and throws it out of the window. She then pulls
the communication cord.
“You silly bitch,” he chuckles, “that’ll cost you a £50 fine.”
“Maybe,” replies the lady. “But it’ll cost you 15 years when
they smell your fingers.”
★ ★ ★
A simple young man got very drunk one day and was caught
short on the way home so he relieved himself in the local
river. At that moment a policeman came along and shouted
to him.
“Stop that immediately, put it away and go home, you
drunken sod.”
The man stuck his dick back inside his trousers and started
to laugh.
“What the hell are you laughing at?” demanded the
policeman.
“Ha, ha,” replied the man. “I really tricked you this time. I
put it away but I didn’t stop.”
★ ★ ★
“Have you anything to say before I pass sentence?” asked the
judge.
“Fuck all,” said the defendant.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear that,” replied the judge and turning
to the clerk of the court, he asked him what the man had
said.
“He said Fuck all,” responded the court official.
“Really?” puzzled the judge. “I could have sworn I saw his
lips move.”
★ ★ ★
A simple man was accused of stalking a beautiful young girl
and was told he would have to line up in an identity parade.
When they took the girl along the line, he shouted loudly,
“That’s her.”
★ ★ ★
“Mr Makepiece, you are up before this court for possessing
a counterfeit press. Although no money can be found, I
pronounce you guilty of intent to produce counterfeit
money. Do you have anything to say?” asked the judge.
“Just one thing, your honour. You’d better find me guilty of
adultery as well because I have the equipment for that too.”
★ ★ ★
“Mr Luckless, before I pass sentence, do you have anyone
who could vouch for your good character?” asked the judge.
“Yes, Your Honour, I do,” he replied.
“Him over there” and he pointed to the local police officer.
“But your Honour,” spluttered the officer, “I’ve never met
this man in my life.”
“Exactly,” exclaimed Mr Luckless, triumphantly. “I’ve lived in
this town for twenty years and the police still don’t know me.
Now doesn’t that show good character?”
★ ★ ★
The head of the East End gang was Walter “Shooter”
Menagle. He and his thugs earned thousands of pounds a
month from protection rackets, gambling syndicates and
general crime. One day, one of his trusted men asked him if
he could find a job for his nephew who was deaf and dumb.
“Sure,” said Menagle, “get him to be a runner for the
casinos. So young Ken joined the gang and went about his
business unnoticed by those around him until one fatal
morning when he and his uncle were called to Menagle’s
office.
“Now listen and listen good,” said Menagle to the uncle.
“Your-low-down no-good nephew has been stealing money
from me. Bit by bit over these past few months, it’s added
up to over £1⁄4 million. I want it back. NOW. Go on, tell him.”
The shocked uncle turned to his nephew and in sign
language asked him what he had done with the money. Ken
shook his head and Menagle flew into a rage. Taking a gun
out of his jacket he aimed it at the boy’s head and screamed,
“Get that fucker to tell me where the money is or he can start
to say his prayers.”
Again, the uncle asked his nephew in sign language and this
time the terrified boy responded by signing that he’d hidden
the money in his uncle’s garage.
“Well,” demanded Menagle. “What’s he saying?”
“He said he doesn’t believe you’d shoot him, he thinks you’ll
chicken out.”
★ ★ ★
A fishing boat had crashed onto the rocks in heavy seas and
the lighthouse keeper was taken to court for negligence. His
lawyer asked him “Did you carry out your duties on the night
in question?”
The lighthouse keeper described his work, how the
machinery flashed the light on and off and how he
constantly watched the seas through his telescope. The jury
was so impressed with his testimony that they found him not
guilty.
Later, the lawyer congratulated him on being such a clear
speaker.
“Thank you,” said the lighthouse keeper, “but I was worried
for a while.”
“How come?” asked the lawyer.
“I was worried that someone was going to ask me if the light
was working.”
★ ★ ★
The timid man was put in jail for jaywalking and found
himself sharing a cell with a huge brute of a man – 19 stone,
hairy and rough and doing life for murder.
“Now let’s get one thing sorted out straight away,” he
snarled, “are you going to be the husband or the wife?”
Terrified of the consequences, the poor man stuttered “I,
I’ll – er – be the husband,” thinking it was the better of two
evils.
“Okay, husband, grinned the brute. “Get down on your
knees and suck your wife’s dick.”
★ ★ ★
“Mr O’Malley, you are up before this court for being drunk
and disorderly. Do you have anything to say in your
defence?”
“Yes, your honour. I fell into bad company. I met some nondrinkers
in the park.”
“But why should that be bad?”
“I had a bottle of whisky with me and I had to drink it all
myself.”
★ ★ ★
It was a big day in the remote Welsh town because old Lloyd
was up in court for indecent behaviour with a sheep. All the
townspeople packed into the small court to hear the
proceedings. The one and only witness took the stand and
was asked what he had seen.” Well, your honour, I see’s old
Lloyd walk up behind this sheep, drop his trousers and hold
onto the sheep’s back. There was a bit of shaking and then
he pulled his trousers back up, and the sheep turned around
and licked his face.”
At that point, one of the men on the jury turned to his fellow
jurors and whispered, “You can tell it’s a good sheep when it
does that.”
“Quite right,” said the others, nodding their heads.
★ ★ ★
The woman was up in court for a second time, filing for
divorce. Three years earlier she had divorced her first
husband because she claimed his “tackle” was too big. This
time she wanted a divorce because her husband was “too
small.”
The judge granted her divorce but just before she left the
court he gave her some words of warning.
“Madam, this court does not want to see you here again so be
careful how you choose a third husband. We have more
important things to do than sort out the right fitting for you.”
★ ★ ★
One day while on traffic control, a policeman flags down a
car for speeding. As he walks up to the car he sees it is being
driven by a beautiful brunette.
“Excuse me, Miss, did you not see the signs, this is a 30 mph
zone and you were going at least 50 mph. May I see your
licence and insurance please?”
“Oh dear,” replies the dizzy girl. Do you mean these,
officer?” and she hands him some documents from her bag.
“That’s right, Miss, won’t be a moment”, and with that he
walks over to his car to radio in the details.
“I think I know this woman,” comes the reply, “is she a dizzy
brunette?”
“Yes, why?”
“Just go back over and take your trousers down.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” says the policeman in
amazement.
“Don’t worry, just do as I say, it’ll be fine.”
So the policeman returns to the woman’s car, hands back her
documents and drops his trousers.
“Oh wow,” she replies, “not another breathalyser.”
★ ★ ★
It was late at night and the police were out checking for
erratic driving. They spotted a car travelling alone along the
dual carriageway and decided to follow it. The car never
exceeded the speed limit, gave all the correct signals as it left
the main road and when they reached the town it pulled up
correctly at all the traffic lights. Eventually, the police car
overtook the car and flagged it down.
“Good evening, Sir,” said the policeman.
“We felt we had to stop you to congratulate you on your
perfect driving skills.”
“Well, thank you, officer,” replied the driver, “I always drive
very carefully, especially when I’ve had a bit to drink.”
★ ★ ★
Three country lads were out in the big city when they were
attacked by a mugger.
“Give me all your valuables,” he hissed, “or I’ll inject you
with AIDS.”
Immediately, two of the lads handed over their wallets and
then ran away. The third lad, however, refused so the
mugger injected him. Later, when the three lads met up, the
two who had handed over all their money looked at their
friend aghast.
“Don’t you realise what he’s done? You’ve been injected with
AIDS.”
The third lad smiled.
“No, no, it’s alright, I’m wearing a condom.”
★ ★ ★
“You are up before this court for the hideous crime of
making love to your wife after she had died. Do you have
anything to say in your defence?”
“Yes, your honour. I didn’t know she was dead, she’d been
like that for years.”
★ ★ ★
A music hall entertainer is stopped by the police for having
a faulty break light, and on the back seat of the car, the
policeman spots a whole set of knives. He asks the man why
he has them – doesn’t he know it’s against the law to carry
knives.
The man explains that the knives are used in his act – he
juggles them.
The policeman insists the man gets out to show him so he
stands at the roadside performing his act. Just then, another
car drives by and the driver turns to his wife, saying, “Thank
goodness I gave up the demon drink, just look how the
police test you these days.”
★ ★ ★
A man stumbles into the police station yelling blue murder
that his car has been stolen.
“Can you tell me where you left it, Sir?” asks the duty
sergeant.
“On the end of this bloody key,” he screeches.
Now it had been a difficult evening and the duty sergeant’s
temper was at boiling point. He retorted, “Listen here, you
wretched little man, you’re so bloody drunk, you can’t
remember anything and your whole behaviour is
disgraceful. Why! you’ve even left your flies undone.”
“Fucking hell,” slurred the drunk, “they’ve stolen my
girlfriend as well.”
★ ★ ★
The traffic police flag down a car for driving erratically and
ask the driver, a young girl, to step out of the car and take a
breathalyser test. As they look at the results, the policeman
turns to the girl and remarks severely, “You’ve had a few stiff
ones tonight, Miss.”
“Oh my goodness,” she exclaims blushing. “I didn’t know it
told you that as well.”
★ ★ ★
“You are up before this court for entering a dog in the local
pet show,” said the judge. “You will go to prison for 3
months.”
★ ★ ★
“Okay, this is a robbery, everyone down on the floor
immediately,” shouted the armed raiders as they ran into the
bank. Everyone lay face down on the floor except for one
girl who lay on her back.
“Hey,” whispered her friend, “this is a bank robbery, not the
office party, so turn over.”
★ ★ ★
A very drunk man was walking down the street, one foot on
the pavement and the other on the road.
“I shall have to arrest you for being drunk,” said the
policeman.
“Drunk?” said the man. “How can you tell?”
“You are walking with one foot on the pavement and the
other on the road,” replied the officer.
“Oh that’s wonderful” said the drunk, “for a while I thought
I had one leg shorter than the other.”
★ ★ ★
The traffic police spotted a man staggering towards his car
and opening the driver’s door. They stopped and confronted
him.
“Excuse me, sir, but I hope you are not intending to drive the
car?”
“Of course I am, officer,” he slurred. “I’m in no state to
walk.”
★ ★ ★
A naive young man found himself in the wrong part of town
late at night, and got attacked by a gang of muggers. He put
up a terrific fight but was eventually overcome and lay
bleeding on the ground. When the muggers went through
his pockets, all they found was a handful of loose change.
“You went through all that just to protect a few coins?” they
asked amazed.
“Oh I see,” said the man. “For a while I thought you were
after the £500 hidden in my shoe.”
★ ★ ★
“What’s wrong, miss?” asked the kindly policeman when he
saw the girl crying.
“A thief has just stolen £20 I had hidden inside my
knickers,” she sobbed.
“Did you try to stop him?”
“I didn’t know he was only after my money.”
★ ★ ★
The traffic police flagged down the car.
“Excuse me, Sir, you’ve just hit four parked cars and driven
straight over the middle of the roundabout. It’s obvious you
are very drunk.”
“Officer, thank you so much for telling me. I thought the
steering had gone on the car.”
★ ★ ★
The judge turned to the woman and asked, “I see you’re
divorcing your husband on the grounds that he is a slob and
uncouth. Can you give me any examples of this?”
“Yes, your honour. Whenever we go out he always drinks tea
with his pinkie sticking out.”
“But there’s nothing wrong with that,” said the judge. “It’s
considered good manners in some circles to drink tea with
the little finger sticking out.”
“But I wasn’t talking about fingers,” she replied accusingly.
★ ★ ★
A gang of notorious bank robbers stormed through the
doors waving their guns and demanding all the customers
line up against the wall. While some of his men started
putting the money from the safe into bags, the leader
shouted to his hostages, “Before we go, we’re going to rape
all the men and rob all the women.”
Hearing this, one of the gang turned to him and said, “Boss,
you mean rape all the women and rob all the men.”
Suddenly a young gay man said, “Hey, he’s the boss, you
should do as he says.”
★ ★ ★
The judge turned to the farmer and said, “Mr Brown, you
are in this court to claim damages against this truck driver,
for the awful injuries you sustained at the time of the
accident. And yet, Mr Brown, at the time of the accident you
were heard to say to the policeman that you’d never felt
better. Kindly explain.”
“It’s like this, your honour” replied the farmer. “At the time
of the accident the policeman went over to my dog, and
seeing it was so badly injured, he shot it. Then he went over
to my two cows and when he saw they had broken legs, he
shot them as well. So when he came and asked me how I felt,
I thought it was a good idea to tell him I’d never felt better.”
★ ★ ★
Instead of sending two convicted drug dealers to jail, the
judge decides to give them both 250 hours of community
service.
“You will work in a drug rehabilitation centre, explaining to
those poor addicts the evils of drug abuse. After your
sentence you will return to me with a full report of your
work.”
The two drug dealers carry out the judge’s wishes and return
to him at the end of their sentence.
“How did it go?” the judge asks the first man.
“I managed to get 31 people off drugs,” he replies.
“Well done, and how did you manage that?”
“I drew two circles – one large and one small. I told them the
large circle was the size of their brain before drugs, and the
small circle was what their brain would be like after drugs.”
The judge then asks the second man how he did.
“I got 200 people off drugs,” he replies.
“But that’s staggering,” says the judge. “How did you manage
that?”
“Well, I drew two pictures – a small circle and a large circle.
I showed them the small circle first and told them that was
their arsehole before going into prison …”
★ ★ ★
A young woman is alone in a railway carriage when a
dishevelled lout walks in, sits opposite her and takes out a
packet of peeled prawns to eat. Belching and farting, he eats
his way through the packet and then throws the empty carton
onto the floor.
At this point the young woman gets up, gathers together all
the rubbish and throws it out of the window. She then pulls
the communication cord.
“You silly bitch,” he chuckles, “that’ll cost you a £50 fine.”
“Maybe,” replies the lady. “But it’ll cost you 15 years when
they smell your fingers.”
★ ★ ★
A simple young man got very drunk one day and was caught
short on the way home so he relieved himself in the local
river. At that moment a policeman came along and shouted
to him.
“Stop that immediately, put it away and go home, you
drunken sod.”
The man stuck his dick back inside his trousers and started
to laugh.
“What the hell are you laughing at?” demanded the
policeman.
“Ha, ha,” replied the man. “I really tricked you this time. I
put it away but I didn’t stop.”
★ ★ ★
“Have you anything to say before I pass sentence?” asked the
judge.
“Fuck all,” said the defendant.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear that,” replied the judge and turning
to the clerk of the court, he asked him what the man had
said.
“He said Fuck all,” responded the court official.
“Really?” puzzled the judge. “I could have sworn I saw his
lips move.”
★ ★ ★
A simple man was accused of stalking a beautiful young girl
and was told he would have to line up in an identity parade.
When they took the girl along the line, he shouted loudly,
“That’s her.”
★ ★ ★
“Mr Makepiece, you are up before this court for possessing
a counterfeit press. Although no money can be found, I
pronounce you guilty of intent to produce counterfeit
money. Do you have anything to say?” asked the judge.
“Just one thing, your honour. You’d better find me guilty of
adultery as well because I have the equipment for that too.”
★ ★ ★
“Mr Luckless, before I pass sentence, do you have anyone
who could vouch for your good character?” asked the judge.
“Yes, Your Honour, I do,” he replied.
“Him over there” and he pointed to the local police officer.
“But your Honour,” spluttered the officer, “I’ve never met
this man in my life.”
“Exactly,” exclaimed Mr Luckless, triumphantly. “I’ve lived in
this town for twenty years and the police still don’t know me.
Now doesn’t that show good character?”
★ ★ ★
The head of the East End gang was Walter “Shooter”
Menagle. He and his thugs earned thousands of pounds a
month from protection rackets, gambling syndicates and
general crime. One day, one of his trusted men asked him if
he could find a job for his nephew who was deaf and dumb.
“Sure,” said Menagle, “get him to be a runner for the
casinos. So young Ken joined the gang and went about his
business unnoticed by those around him until one fatal
morning when he and his uncle were called to Menagle’s
office.
“Now listen and listen good,” said Menagle to the uncle.
“Your-low-down no-good nephew has been stealing money
from me. Bit by bit over these past few months, it’s added
up to over £1⁄4 million. I want it back. NOW. Go on, tell him.”
The shocked uncle turned to his nephew and in sign
language asked him what he had done with the money. Ken
shook his head and Menagle flew into a rage. Taking a gun
out of his jacket he aimed it at the boy’s head and screamed,
“Get that fucker to tell me where the money is or he can start
to say his prayers.”
Again, the uncle asked his nephew in sign language and this
time the terrified boy responded by signing that he’d hidden
the money in his uncle’s garage.
“Well,” demanded Menagle. “What’s he saying?”
“He said he doesn’t believe you’d shoot him, he thinks you’ll
chicken out.”
★ ★ ★
A fishing boat had crashed onto the rocks in heavy seas and
the lighthouse keeper was taken to court for negligence. His
lawyer asked him “Did you carry out your duties on the night
in question?”
The lighthouse keeper described his work, how the
machinery flashed the light on and off and how he
constantly watched the seas through his telescope. The jury
was so impressed with his testimony that they found him not
guilty.
Later, the lawyer congratulated him on being such a clear
speaker.
“Thank you,” said the lighthouse keeper, “but I was worried
for a while.”
“How come?” asked the lawyer.
“I was worried that someone was going to ask me if the light
was working.”
★ ★ ★
The timid man was put in jail for jaywalking and found
himself sharing a cell with a huge brute of a man – 19 stone,
hairy and rough and doing life for murder.
“Now let’s get one thing sorted out straight away,” he
snarled, “are you going to be the husband or the wife?”
Terrified of the consequences, the poor man stuttered “I,
I’ll – er – be the husband,” thinking it was the better of two
evils.
“Okay, husband, grinned the brute. “Get down on your
knees and suck your wife’s dick.”
★ ★ ★
“Mr O’Malley, you are up before this court for being drunk
and disorderly. Do you have anything to say in your
defence?”
“Yes, your honour. I fell into bad company. I met some nondrinkers
in the park.”
“But why should that be bad?”
“I had a bottle of whisky with me and I had to drink it all
myself.”
★ ★ ★
It was a big day in the remote Welsh town because old Lloyd
was up in court for indecent behaviour with a sheep. All the
townspeople packed into the small court to hear the
proceedings. The one and only witness took the stand and
was asked what he had seen.” Well, your honour, I see’s old
Lloyd walk up behind this sheep, drop his trousers and hold
onto the sheep’s back. There was a bit of shaking and then
he pulled his trousers back up, and the sheep turned around
and licked his face.”
At that point, one of the men on the jury turned to his fellow
jurors and whispered, “You can tell it’s a good sheep when it
does that.”
“Quite right,” said the others, nodding their heads.
★ ★ ★
THE MOVIES
THE MOVIES
Taking his girlfriend to the cinema, the man’s wig fell off
when they were canoodling in the back row. As he felt
around trying to find it, his hand accidentally went up his
girlfriend’s skirt.
“Oooh…” she moaned, “Go on, go on, that’s it.”
“No, it can’t be,” he said. “I part mine on the right.”
★ ★ ★
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods
when she was suddenly attacked by a huge wolf.
“At last, at last,” laughed the wolf. “I’m going to eat you all
up.”
“Oh sod it,” said Little Red Riding Hood, “doesn’t anyone
fuck these days?”
★ ★ ★
While on holiday, the Seven Dwarfs visit the local convent to
buy some souvenirs. They meet up with the Mother Superior
and Dopey stops to talk to her.
“Excuse me, your holy one, do you have any short nuns
here?” Mother Superior is quite puzzled by the question but
replies, “Not very short, some around 5 foot.”
“Are you sure there aren’t any nuns about 3 foot in height?”
he persists.
“No, no, no one like that.”
As the dwarfs leave, the Mother Superior follows them
quietly down the road to try and discover the reason for such
an odd question. She overhears the other dwarfs asking him
what was said, and he replies, “She said they don’t have any.”
On hearing this, the dwarfs fall about laughing and
chanting: “Dopey’s fucked a penguin, Dopey’s fucked a
penguin.”
★ ★ ★
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.
★ ★ ★
Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson went on a camping trip
to Dartmoor and as they lay down for the night Sherlock
Holmes said, “Doctor Watson, my old friend, when you look
up into the darkness, please tell me what you see.”
“Well, I can see a very clear sky, there are no clouds and the
stars are out in their millions. I can see the Milky Way and I
believe that extra bright star over there is the planet Venus
which you can see at this time of the year. I would also
deduce that being such a clear night will mean that it will get
quite chilly.”
Watson laughed and said, “But knowing you, Sherlock, I’m
sure there are many things I have missed. What have you
deduced?” There was a moment’s silence and then Holmes
replied, “Somebody’s nicked our tent.”
★ ★ ★
The Lone Ranger and Tonto have just spent a month riding
through the desert before landing up at Prickly Gulch Creek
where they go into the saloon for a much needed drink.
They’ve only been in there a few minutes when a man runs
in asking if anyone owns a big white horse.
“That’s mine,” replies the Lone Ranger. “Is there anything
wrong?”
“Sure is, the animal’s collapsed,” says the man.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto go outside to see poor Silver
lying prostrate on the ground, but after giving him some
water he seems to revive a bit. The Lone Ranger turns to
Tonto and says, “Will you just run around him for a few
minutes so he can feel a breeze and that’ll soon put him
right.”
Tonto starts to run around Silver while the Lone Ranger goes
back inside to finish his drink. A moment later another man
rushes in asking who owns the white horse outside.
“Bloody hell,” says the Lone Ranger. “That’s mine, now
what’s wrong?”
“Oh your horse is alright,” says the man, “but you’ve left
your injun running.”
★ ★ ★
Two women are watching a film in the cinema when one
turns to the other in surprise.
“You’re not going to believe this, Mav, but the man sitting
next to me is masturbating.”
“Dirty bugger, just ignore him,” she hisses.
“I can’t, he’s using my hand.”
★ ★ ★
A cowboy walks into a saloon wearing a paper suit and is
immediately arrested by the sheriff for rustling.
★ ★ ★
A man walks into a saloon, draws his gun and shoots the
piano player dead.
“I’ve been itching to do that for a long time,” he says, “that
bloody noise has been driving me mad.”
The barman beckons the man to one side.
“Mind if I give you a bit of advice, Mister? If I were you I
would file off any sharp edges on your gun and grease the
barrel.”
“Is that supposed to make me a better shot?” asks the
cowboy.
“No, but you’ll find it’ll make things easier for you. That
piano player you just killed has two big, mean brothers and
when news gets to them about what you did, they’ll shove
that gun right up your arse.”
★ ★ ★
Peter was hooked on gambling and more than half his wages
each week would be lost on this addiction – from the horses,
dogs and more obscure pastimes such as cock fighting and
ferrets. One evening, he was returning home after becoming
champion for keeping a ferret down your trousers for the
longest time, when he passed the local cinema and
discovered they were showing a film he badly wanted to see.
No animals were allowed inside but that was no problem.
Peter stuck the ferret down his trousers. Halfway through
the picture, he unzipped his flies to give the animal some air.
A young girl was sitting next to him and she suddenly nudged
her friend and whispered frantically, “Sharon, that man’s got
his dick out!”
“Sshh, just ignore him,” replied her friend.
“But I can’t,” she moaned, “it’s nibbling my knee.”
★ ★ ★
A very popular film was being shown at the local cinema and
the place was packed. Suddenly a woman stood up and with
a scream rushed out into the foyer to search out the
manager.
“I’ll never come back here again,” she complained. “I’ve just
been interfered with.”
A short while later another woman ran out looking
distressed, complaining of the same thing.
“I’m not having this,” said the manager and he decided to
track down the pervert. Shining his torch along the rows he
eventually discovered a man crawling along under the seats.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he roared.
“It’s my toupee,” replied the man. “I’ve lost it. I had my hand
on it twice, but it got away.”
★ ★ ★
Deep in the heart of Sherwood Forest, Robin Hood was
lying in bed in his cottage, only a few days from death.
“Little John,” he croaked “give me my bow and arrow and
open the window. I will fire the arrow and wherever it lands,
please bury me there.”
And indeed, a few days later, Robin died and having
promised to carry out his final wish, Little John and the rest
of the Merry Men buried Robin on top of the wardrobe.
★ ★ ★
Taking his girlfriend to the cinema, the man’s wig fell off
when they were canoodling in the back row. As he felt
around trying to find it, his hand accidentally went up his
girlfriend’s skirt.
“Oooh…” she moaned, “Go on, go on, that’s it.”
“No, it can’t be,” he said. “I part mine on the right.”
★ ★ ★
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods
when she was suddenly attacked by a huge wolf.
“At last, at last,” laughed the wolf. “I’m going to eat you all
up.”
“Oh sod it,” said Little Red Riding Hood, “doesn’t anyone
fuck these days?”
★ ★ ★
While on holiday, the Seven Dwarfs visit the local convent to
buy some souvenirs. They meet up with the Mother Superior
and Dopey stops to talk to her.
“Excuse me, your holy one, do you have any short nuns
here?” Mother Superior is quite puzzled by the question but
replies, “Not very short, some around 5 foot.”
“Are you sure there aren’t any nuns about 3 foot in height?”
he persists.
“No, no, no one like that.”
As the dwarfs leave, the Mother Superior follows them
quietly down the road to try and discover the reason for such
an odd question. She overhears the other dwarfs asking him
what was said, and he replies, “She said they don’t have any.”
On hearing this, the dwarfs fall about laughing and
chanting: “Dopey’s fucked a penguin, Dopey’s fucked a
penguin.”
★ ★ ★
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.
★ ★ ★
Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson went on a camping trip
to Dartmoor and as they lay down for the night Sherlock
Holmes said, “Doctor Watson, my old friend, when you look
up into the darkness, please tell me what you see.”
“Well, I can see a very clear sky, there are no clouds and the
stars are out in their millions. I can see the Milky Way and I
believe that extra bright star over there is the planet Venus
which you can see at this time of the year. I would also
deduce that being such a clear night will mean that it will get
quite chilly.”
Watson laughed and said, “But knowing you, Sherlock, I’m
sure there are many things I have missed. What have you
deduced?” There was a moment’s silence and then Holmes
replied, “Somebody’s nicked our tent.”
★ ★ ★
The Lone Ranger and Tonto have just spent a month riding
through the desert before landing up at Prickly Gulch Creek
where they go into the saloon for a much needed drink.
They’ve only been in there a few minutes when a man runs
in asking if anyone owns a big white horse.
“That’s mine,” replies the Lone Ranger. “Is there anything
wrong?”
“Sure is, the animal’s collapsed,” says the man.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto go outside to see poor Silver
lying prostrate on the ground, but after giving him some
water he seems to revive a bit. The Lone Ranger turns to
Tonto and says, “Will you just run around him for a few
minutes so he can feel a breeze and that’ll soon put him
right.”
Tonto starts to run around Silver while the Lone Ranger goes
back inside to finish his drink. A moment later another man
rushes in asking who owns the white horse outside.
“Bloody hell,” says the Lone Ranger. “That’s mine, now
what’s wrong?”
“Oh your horse is alright,” says the man, “but you’ve left
your injun running.”
★ ★ ★
Two women are watching a film in the cinema when one
turns to the other in surprise.
“You’re not going to believe this, Mav, but the man sitting
next to me is masturbating.”
“Dirty bugger, just ignore him,” she hisses.
“I can’t, he’s using my hand.”
★ ★ ★
A cowboy walks into a saloon wearing a paper suit and is
immediately arrested by the sheriff for rustling.
★ ★ ★
A man walks into a saloon, draws his gun and shoots the
piano player dead.
“I’ve been itching to do that for a long time,” he says, “that
bloody noise has been driving me mad.”
The barman beckons the man to one side.
“Mind if I give you a bit of advice, Mister? If I were you I
would file off any sharp edges on your gun and grease the
barrel.”
“Is that supposed to make me a better shot?” asks the
cowboy.
“No, but you’ll find it’ll make things easier for you. That
piano player you just killed has two big, mean brothers and
when news gets to them about what you did, they’ll shove
that gun right up your arse.”
★ ★ ★
Peter was hooked on gambling and more than half his wages
each week would be lost on this addiction – from the horses,
dogs and more obscure pastimes such as cock fighting and
ferrets. One evening, he was returning home after becoming
champion for keeping a ferret down your trousers for the
longest time, when he passed the local cinema and
discovered they were showing a film he badly wanted to see.
No animals were allowed inside but that was no problem.
Peter stuck the ferret down his trousers. Halfway through
the picture, he unzipped his flies to give the animal some air.
A young girl was sitting next to him and she suddenly nudged
her friend and whispered frantically, “Sharon, that man’s got
his dick out!”
“Sshh, just ignore him,” replied her friend.
“But I can’t,” she moaned, “it’s nibbling my knee.”
★ ★ ★
A very popular film was being shown at the local cinema and
the place was packed. Suddenly a woman stood up and with
a scream rushed out into the foyer to search out the
manager.
“I’ll never come back here again,” she complained. “I’ve just
been interfered with.”
A short while later another woman ran out looking
distressed, complaining of the same thing.
“I’m not having this,” said the manager and he decided to
track down the pervert. Shining his torch along the rows he
eventually discovered a man crawling along under the seats.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he roared.
“It’s my toupee,” replied the man. “I’ve lost it. I had my hand
on it twice, but it got away.”
★ ★ ★
Deep in the heart of Sherwood Forest, Robin Hood was
lying in bed in his cottage, only a few days from death.
“Little John,” he croaked “give me my bow and arrow and
open the window. I will fire the arrow and wherever it lands,
please bury me there.”
And indeed, a few days later, Robin died and having
promised to carry out his final wish, Little John and the rest
of the Merry Men buried Robin on top of the wardrobe.
★ ★ ★
CLUBBING
CLUBBING
A naive young man was encouraged to dance with one of the
village girls. As the dance became faster, one of the girl’s
earrings dropped off and fell down her back.
“Be a darling and get that for me,” she asked her partner.
“Yes,” he stammered, but the more he reached for it, the
further down her back it fell.
“Ahem,” he said, blushing madly. “I feel a perfect arse.”
“Really? Thank you, my tits are pretty good as well.”
★ ★ ★
There’s a badminton competition at the local leisure centre
and a young man, seeing a girl all on her own, decides to go
and ask her if she would like to team up with him for a
doubles match. Much to his astonishment she yells at the top
of her voice, “How dare you. No I will not join you for a
quickie in the back of your car!”
The room falls silent and all eyes are turned to the young
man who shuffles away totally embarrassed and humiliated.
Ten minutes later the girl approaches him full of apologies
and explains that she is experimenting with people’s
reactions to different situations as part of her thesis on
human behaviour. As she finishes talking he exclaims very
loudly, “£200! You’ve got to be joking, I can get it much
cheaper elsewhere.”
★ ★ ★
Tom was so shy he’d never had the courage to ask a girl out
so his mate Jack decided to take him out on the town and get
him laid. Halfway through the evening they were drinking in
a nightclub when a girl at the other end of the bar winked at
Tom.
“Hey, Jack,” he stuttered, “that girl over there winked at me.
What shall I do?”
“Wink back,” said Jack.
A little later she smiled at him.
“Hey, Jack, she’s smiling at me now.”
“Well, smile back,” said Jack.
A moment later he turned to his mate again and gasped,
“Jack, Jack, she’s just leant forward and shown me her tits.
What should I do?”
“Show her your nuts,” said Jack who was busy chatting up
someone else.
So Tom turned to face the girl, put one finger in his ear, one
finger up his nose and hollered like a jackass.
★ ★ ★
Dancing together for the first time, the man turned to his
partner and said, “My dear, do you know the minuet?”
“Good gracious, no, I don’t even know all the men I’ve laid.”
★ ★ ★
Three men went out on the town and landed up at a sleazy
nightclub. As they drank their beers, a naked go-go dancer
performed on the table in front of them and at the end of
the dance the audience showed its appreciation by throwing
her money. The first man grinned at his mates, took £10 out
of his pocket and stuck it on the girl’s backside. The second
man got out a £20 note and stuck it on her fanny. Now the
third man had almost spent up but he didn’t want to be
financially embarrassed in front of the other two. Suddenly,
he had a great idea, he took out his credit card, swiped it
down her crack and took the £30.
★ ★ ★
A naive young man was encouraged to dance with one of the
village girls. As the dance became faster, one of the girl’s
earrings dropped off and fell down her back.
“Be a darling and get that for me,” she asked her partner.
“Yes,” he stammered, but the more he reached for it, the
further down her back it fell.
“Ahem,” he said, blushing madly. “I feel a perfect arse.”
“Really? Thank you, my tits are pretty good as well.”
★ ★ ★
There’s a badminton competition at the local leisure centre
and a young man, seeing a girl all on her own, decides to go
and ask her if she would like to team up with him for a
doubles match. Much to his astonishment she yells at the top
of her voice, “How dare you. No I will not join you for a
quickie in the back of your car!”
The room falls silent and all eyes are turned to the young
man who shuffles away totally embarrassed and humiliated.
Ten minutes later the girl approaches him full of apologies
and explains that she is experimenting with people’s
reactions to different situations as part of her thesis on
human behaviour. As she finishes talking he exclaims very
loudly, “£200! You’ve got to be joking, I can get it much
cheaper elsewhere.”
★ ★ ★
Tom was so shy he’d never had the courage to ask a girl out
so his mate Jack decided to take him out on the town and get
him laid. Halfway through the evening they were drinking in
a nightclub when a girl at the other end of the bar winked at
Tom.
“Hey, Jack,” he stuttered, “that girl over there winked at me.
What shall I do?”
“Wink back,” said Jack.
A little later she smiled at him.
“Hey, Jack, she’s smiling at me now.”
“Well, smile back,” said Jack.
A moment later he turned to his mate again and gasped,
“Jack, Jack, she’s just leant forward and shown me her tits.
What should I do?”
“Show her your nuts,” said Jack who was busy chatting up
someone else.
So Tom turned to face the girl, put one finger in his ear, one
finger up his nose and hollered like a jackass.
★ ★ ★
Dancing together for the first time, the man turned to his
partner and said, “My dear, do you know the minuet?”
“Good gracious, no, I don’t even know all the men I’ve laid.”
★ ★ ★
Three men went out on the town and landed up at a sleazy
nightclub. As they drank their beers, a naked go-go dancer
performed on the table in front of them and at the end of
the dance the audience showed its appreciation by throwing
her money. The first man grinned at his mates, took £10 out
of his pocket and stuck it on the girl’s backside. The second
man got out a £20 note and stuck it on her fanny. Now the
third man had almost spent up but he didn’t want to be
financially embarrassed in front of the other two. Suddenly,
he had a great idea, he took out his credit card, swiped it
down her crack and took the £30.
★ ★ ★
EARLY LEARNING
EARLY LEARNING
Two kids were arguing in the playground.
“My dad’s a better darts player than your dad,” said the first
boy.
“No he ain’t,” said the second boy. “My dad got the highest
score last week.”
“OK, OK, but my mum’s better than your mum.”
“Yeah, alright, my dad says the same thing.”
★ ★ ★
The boy’s father was so disappointed with his son’s school
report, he decided to go and see the headmaster to find out
what had gone wrong.
“Well, I have good news and bad news,” replied the
headmaster.
“The bad news is that your son has discovered he’s gay and
he spends all his time pursuing the good looking boys
instead of studying.”
The father was horrified.
“But what on earth is the good news?” he stammered.
The headmaster smiled. “Well, the good news is that your
son has been voted Queen of the May.”
★ ★ ★
Father walks into his son’s bedroom to find him lying face
down on a life-size picture of Britney Spears.
“Son, what’s going on?” gasps his father.
“It’s alright, dad, I’ve got plain Jane from next door
underneath.”
★ ★ ★
At the end of the human biology class, the lecturer
conducted a quick question and answer session to check that
everyone had been listening to his lesson.
“You over there, the girl in red,” he said pointing, “which
part of the body becomes 10 times its normal size under
emotional stress?”
Flushed with embarrassment, the girl refused to answer, so
another student volunteered.
“The pupil of the eye, Sir.”
“Correct,” replied the lecturer and he turned to the girl,
saying, “Young lady, your refusal to answer my question
indicates three things. One, you haven’t been listening to my
lecture, two, you are obsessed with sex, and three, you are
going to be very disappointed.”
★ ★ ★
Class 3 have a boy who is always in trouble, he is constantly
upsetting the other children and damaging the school
property. Eventually, a letter is sent home to his parents
saying the school has put up with his bad behaviour long
enough. This morning, they found him masturbating in
class so they have expelled him. The letter continues: “I
suggest you talk to your son about his dirty little habit as
soon as possible. Tell him he’ll go blind if he carries on.
Yours sincerely, Headmaster.”
When the boy’s dad hears about the expulsion, mum
suggests he goes upstairs and has a “heart-to-heart” with his
son and also explain what might happen if he continues
masturbating. So dad goes upstairs, into his son’s bedroom
and starts to talk to him.
“Wait a minute, dad,” says the boy, “I’m over here.”
★ ★ ★
A young boy walked into a bar and asked for a bottle of beer
and 20 fags.
“Now, now,” smiled the barmaid, wagging her finger. “Do
you want to get me into trouble?”
He replied, “Not at the moment, I just want my beer and
fags.”
★ ★ ★
“Mummy, mummy, are little birds made of metal?”
“Of course not, darling, why do you think that?”
“I just heard dad say he’d like to screw the arse off the bird
next door.”
★ ★ ★
Grandpa and Grandson go out together for a day’s fishing.
At lunchtime, the man opens a can of cider.
“Can I have some, Grandpa?” asks the boy.
“I tell you what, son,” replies Grandpa. “Can your willy
touch your backside?”
“No, Grandpa.”
“Then you can’t have any cider.”
Later on, Grandpa gets out his cigarettes.
“Can I have one, Grandpa?”
Grandpa replies, “Can your willy touch your backside?”
“No.”
“Then it’s no to a cigarette.”
On the way home, they pass a newsagent’s and each of them
buys a scratch card. Grandpa wins nothing, Grandson wins
£2,000.
“Are you going to share some of your winnings with me,
son?” asks Grandpa.
The boy replies, “I tell you what, can your willy touch your
backside?”
“It sure can,” replies Grandpa confidently.
“Then go fuck yourself.”
★ ★ ★
A group of young boys were always getting into trouble on
the estate so the local vicar decided to intervene and speak
to each of them about their behaviour. When it was
Johnny’s turn to go in, he sat down nervously wondering
what was going to happen. As with the other boys, the vicar
decided to find out how much the boy knew about God
and whether he understood the difference between right
and wrong. The vicar began with the question, “Where is
God?”
Johnny stared at him in amazement but did not answer.
Again the question was asked, this time more forcibly.
“I said, where is God,” he bellowed.
Frightened out of his skin, Johnny raced from the room, ran
all the way home and hid in the wardrobe. His older brother
followed him upstairs and shouted through the door.
“What’s happened?”
“Oh Tom, we really are in trouble this time. God has gone
missing and they think we did it.”
★ ★ ★
Two young hedgehogs were learning survival tactics from
their father.
“Today, I want to tell you about one of our biggest dangers.
That road out there,” instructed dad. “There will be times
that you need to cross it and if you’re lucky, a car won’t come
along. But if it does, just make sure that you stop in the
middle of the road so it will go over you without touching.
Just watch me and you’ll see what I mean.”
Dad went out into the middle of the road and waited
patiently for a car.
“It’s coming,” he shouted, “now you’ll see what…” He never
finished speaking. The two young sons heard a sickly crunch
as he was flattened on the road.
“I meant to ask him what we should do if a 3-wheeler came
along,” said one to the other.
★ ★ ★
The number of children attending Sunday School had
dropped dramatically and it was thought that perhaps the
lessons had become too serious. As it so happened, a visiting
Minister had come to stay and the vicar asked him if he
would mind speaking to the children a bit more informally.
“Of course,” replied the Minister and he sat with the
children in a circle saying “First of all, children, can you tell
me what eats grass, goes moo, and gives us milk?”
For a moment, there was complete silence and then one
small boy slowly put his hand up.
“Please Sir, I suppose the answer is Jesus but it sounds just
like a cow to me.”
★ ★ ★
A simple young man is encouraged to broaden his
knowledge by learning how to parachute. After a few lessons
it’s time for his first jump, so that afternoon he and his
instructor go up in a plane. The instructor tells the man not
to worry because he’ll jump straight after him.
So the man jumps out, pulls his rip cord and heads gently for
earth. A moment later the instructor jumps out but when he
pulls his rip cord nothing happens and within seconds he
passes his pupil and plummets to earth at an amazing speed.
“Oh no you don’t,” says the young man on seeing his
instructor race pass.
“You didn’t tell me it was a race.” At that, he undoes his
parachute and shouts gleefully, “Last one home is a sissy.”
★ ★ ★
There was a skinny young boy who was constantly being
teased by the older lads in the village. One of their favourite
games was to prove how stupid he was by giving him the
choice of picking a 20p piece or a 10p piece. The boy always
chose the 10p piece which would send the bullies into fits of
laughter.
“See,” they would say. “He always picks the 10p because it’s
bigger. He’s so thick.”
On a number of occasions this trick had been witnessed by
the local storekeeper who eventually took the lad aside and
questioned him. “I’m sure you know 10p isn’t worth as much
as 20p, is it really because it’s bigger?”
“Of course not,” whispered the boy, “but if I stopped picking
the 10p they’d stop playing the trick!”
★ ★ ★
Two six-year-old boys are standing in the toilet having a pee.
One turns to the other and says, “Your dinky doesn’t have
any skin on it.”
“That’s because I’ve been circumcised,” he replies.
“Cor! What does that mean?”
“It means the skin’s been cut off the end.”
“How old were you when they did that?”
“About two days old.”
“Did it hurt?”
“It sure did. I didn’t walk for a year.”
★ ★ ★
Now young Tom, born and brought up in the city, was given
a chance to visit his cousin who lived on a farm in the
country. It was all very strange to him, particularly when he
went into the milking shed and saw all the cows attached to
the milking machines and the milk pouring out into the
buckets. As soon as he was left alone, he decided to attach
the machine to his dick to see how it felt.
Some time later, his cousin returned to find Tom writhing
on the floor in great distress.
“What the hell’s going on?” exclaimed his cousin.
“Help me, please help me. I stuck my dick in your milking
machine and I can’t get it out. This is the eighteenth time
I’ve come!”
“Well now, Tom,” said his cousin, “I don’t think I can turn
the machine off either, but don’t fret. We’ll feed you and
look after you. The good news is that it’s only set for a gallon
and then it’ll automatically switch off.”
★ ★ ★
Two kids were arguing in the playground.
“My dad’s a better darts player than your dad,” said the first
boy.
“No he ain’t,” said the second boy. “My dad got the highest
score last week.”
“OK, OK, but my mum’s better than your mum.”
“Yeah, alright, my dad says the same thing.”
★ ★ ★
The boy’s father was so disappointed with his son’s school
report, he decided to go and see the headmaster to find out
what had gone wrong.
“Well, I have good news and bad news,” replied the
headmaster.
“The bad news is that your son has discovered he’s gay and
he spends all his time pursuing the good looking boys
instead of studying.”
The father was horrified.
“But what on earth is the good news?” he stammered.
The headmaster smiled. “Well, the good news is that your
son has been voted Queen of the May.”
★ ★ ★
Father walks into his son’s bedroom to find him lying face
down on a life-size picture of Britney Spears.
“Son, what’s going on?” gasps his father.
“It’s alright, dad, I’ve got plain Jane from next door
underneath.”
★ ★ ★
At the end of the human biology class, the lecturer
conducted a quick question and answer session to check that
everyone had been listening to his lesson.
“You over there, the girl in red,” he said pointing, “which
part of the body becomes 10 times its normal size under
emotional stress?”
Flushed with embarrassment, the girl refused to answer, so
another student volunteered.
“The pupil of the eye, Sir.”
“Correct,” replied the lecturer and he turned to the girl,
saying, “Young lady, your refusal to answer my question
indicates three things. One, you haven’t been listening to my
lecture, two, you are obsessed with sex, and three, you are
going to be very disappointed.”
★ ★ ★
Class 3 have a boy who is always in trouble, he is constantly
upsetting the other children and damaging the school
property. Eventually, a letter is sent home to his parents
saying the school has put up with his bad behaviour long
enough. This morning, they found him masturbating in
class so they have expelled him. The letter continues: “I
suggest you talk to your son about his dirty little habit as
soon as possible. Tell him he’ll go blind if he carries on.
Yours sincerely, Headmaster.”
When the boy’s dad hears about the expulsion, mum
suggests he goes upstairs and has a “heart-to-heart” with his
son and also explain what might happen if he continues
masturbating. So dad goes upstairs, into his son’s bedroom
and starts to talk to him.
“Wait a minute, dad,” says the boy, “I’m over here.”
★ ★ ★
A young boy walked into a bar and asked for a bottle of beer
and 20 fags.
“Now, now,” smiled the barmaid, wagging her finger. “Do
you want to get me into trouble?”
He replied, “Not at the moment, I just want my beer and
fags.”
★ ★ ★
“Mummy, mummy, are little birds made of metal?”
“Of course not, darling, why do you think that?”
“I just heard dad say he’d like to screw the arse off the bird
next door.”
★ ★ ★
Grandpa and Grandson go out together for a day’s fishing.
At lunchtime, the man opens a can of cider.
“Can I have some, Grandpa?” asks the boy.
“I tell you what, son,” replies Grandpa. “Can your willy
touch your backside?”
“No, Grandpa.”
“Then you can’t have any cider.”
Later on, Grandpa gets out his cigarettes.
“Can I have one, Grandpa?”
Grandpa replies, “Can your willy touch your backside?”
“No.”
“Then it’s no to a cigarette.”
On the way home, they pass a newsagent’s and each of them
buys a scratch card. Grandpa wins nothing, Grandson wins
£2,000.
“Are you going to share some of your winnings with me,
son?” asks Grandpa.
The boy replies, “I tell you what, can your willy touch your
backside?”
“It sure can,” replies Grandpa confidently.
“Then go fuck yourself.”
★ ★ ★
A group of young boys were always getting into trouble on
the estate so the local vicar decided to intervene and speak
to each of them about their behaviour. When it was
Johnny’s turn to go in, he sat down nervously wondering
what was going to happen. As with the other boys, the vicar
decided to find out how much the boy knew about God
and whether he understood the difference between right
and wrong. The vicar began with the question, “Where is
God?”
Johnny stared at him in amazement but did not answer.
Again the question was asked, this time more forcibly.
“I said, where is God,” he bellowed.
Frightened out of his skin, Johnny raced from the room, ran
all the way home and hid in the wardrobe. His older brother
followed him upstairs and shouted through the door.
“What’s happened?”
“Oh Tom, we really are in trouble this time. God has gone
missing and they think we did it.”
★ ★ ★
Two young hedgehogs were learning survival tactics from
their father.
“Today, I want to tell you about one of our biggest dangers.
That road out there,” instructed dad. “There will be times
that you need to cross it and if you’re lucky, a car won’t come
along. But if it does, just make sure that you stop in the
middle of the road so it will go over you without touching.
Just watch me and you’ll see what I mean.”
Dad went out into the middle of the road and waited
patiently for a car.
“It’s coming,” he shouted, “now you’ll see what…” He never
finished speaking. The two young sons heard a sickly crunch
as he was flattened on the road.
“I meant to ask him what we should do if a 3-wheeler came
along,” said one to the other.
★ ★ ★
The number of children attending Sunday School had
dropped dramatically and it was thought that perhaps the
lessons had become too serious. As it so happened, a visiting
Minister had come to stay and the vicar asked him if he
would mind speaking to the children a bit more informally.
“Of course,” replied the Minister and he sat with the
children in a circle saying “First of all, children, can you tell
me what eats grass, goes moo, and gives us milk?”
For a moment, there was complete silence and then one
small boy slowly put his hand up.
“Please Sir, I suppose the answer is Jesus but it sounds just
like a cow to me.”
★ ★ ★
A simple young man is encouraged to broaden his
knowledge by learning how to parachute. After a few lessons
it’s time for his first jump, so that afternoon he and his
instructor go up in a plane. The instructor tells the man not
to worry because he’ll jump straight after him.
So the man jumps out, pulls his rip cord and heads gently for
earth. A moment later the instructor jumps out but when he
pulls his rip cord nothing happens and within seconds he
passes his pupil and plummets to earth at an amazing speed.
“Oh no you don’t,” says the young man on seeing his
instructor race pass.
“You didn’t tell me it was a race.” At that, he undoes his
parachute and shouts gleefully, “Last one home is a sissy.”
★ ★ ★
There was a skinny young boy who was constantly being
teased by the older lads in the village. One of their favourite
games was to prove how stupid he was by giving him the
choice of picking a 20p piece or a 10p piece. The boy always
chose the 10p piece which would send the bullies into fits of
laughter.
“See,” they would say. “He always picks the 10p because it’s
bigger. He’s so thick.”
On a number of occasions this trick had been witnessed by
the local storekeeper who eventually took the lad aside and
questioned him. “I’m sure you know 10p isn’t worth as much
as 20p, is it really because it’s bigger?”
“Of course not,” whispered the boy, “but if I stopped picking
the 10p they’d stop playing the trick!”
★ ★ ★
Two six-year-old boys are standing in the toilet having a pee.
One turns to the other and says, “Your dinky doesn’t have
any skin on it.”
“That’s because I’ve been circumcised,” he replies.
“Cor! What does that mean?”
“It means the skin’s been cut off the end.”
“How old were you when they did that?”
“About two days old.”
“Did it hurt?”
“It sure did. I didn’t walk for a year.”
★ ★ ★
Now young Tom, born and brought up in the city, was given
a chance to visit his cousin who lived on a farm in the
country. It was all very strange to him, particularly when he
went into the milking shed and saw all the cows attached to
the milking machines and the milk pouring out into the
buckets. As soon as he was left alone, he decided to attach
the machine to his dick to see how it felt.
Some time later, his cousin returned to find Tom writhing
on the floor in great distress.
“What the hell’s going on?” exclaimed his cousin.
“Help me, please help me. I stuck my dick in your milking
machine and I can’t get it out. This is the eighteenth time
I’ve come!”
“Well now, Tom,” said his cousin, “I don’t think I can turn
the machine off either, but don’t fret. We’ll feed you and
look after you. The good news is that it’s only set for a gallon
and then it’ll automatically switch off.”
★ ★ ★
MA AND PA
MA AND PA
Daddy is mowing the lawn when his young son comes
running out of the house calling to him.
“Daddy, daddy, what’s sex?” asks the boy.
For a moment dad is dumbstruck but then decides that if his
son has asked the question, then he must do his best to
answer it. For the next few minutes dad talks about the birds
and the bees, then human relationships, love, the sex act,
having babies – in fact he does a pretty good job of covering
every aspect. Eventually he comes to a stop when he sees how
oddly his son is looking at him.
“Why did you want to know?” he asks.
“Well, Mummy said to come out and tell you that dinner
would be ready in two secs.”
★ ★ ★
Man to son:
Endeavour to marry a girl with small hands, it’ll make your
penis look bigger.
★ ★ ★
“Mummy, mummy, I’ve discovered how babies are made.
I saw daddy put his willy in your mouth last night.”
“No, that’s not right,” replied mummy, “that’s how I get my
expensive jewellery.”
★ ★ ★
“Mummy, mummy, what’s a pussy?” asked the small boy. His
mother went to the encyclopaedia and showed him a picture
of a cat.
“That’s a pussy,” she said.
“Mummy, mummy, what’s a bitch?” continued the little boy.
Again, mother consulted the encyclopaedia and showed her
son a picture of a dog.
But the boy wasn’t convinced so he went to his father and
asked him what a pussy was. Dad went to his magazine,
opened it at the centrefold and drew a circle.
“There you are, son,” he said, “that’s a pussy.”
Then the little boy asked him what a bitch was and dad
replied sadly, “Everything outside the circle, son.”
★ ★ ★
“Mummy, mummy, what are you doing?” exclaimed the little
boy as he walked into the bedroom to find her sitting on
daddy.
“Just flattening daddy’s tummy,” mum replied.
“I wouldn’t bother, when you go out tonight the au pair will
only blow it up again.”
★ ★ ★
“Hey June, how about a bit of slap and tickle tonight?”
“Sshh John, don’t talk like that in front of the children. Let’s
use code. Whenever you feel like it, just say, “How about
turning the washing machine on.”
A few evenings later, June turned to her husband and said,
“Shall I put the washing machine on tonight?”
“Don’t bother, love, you looked a bit tired so I did it by
hand.”
★ ★ ★
A man gets a peanut stuck firmly in his ear and no matter
how hard his wife tries, they cannot get it out. Just as they’re
about to give up, their daughter arrives home with her
boyfriend. When they hear what has happened the
boyfriend tells them confidently that he knows how to get it
out. He sticks 2 fingers up the man’s nose and tells him to
blow as hard as he can. The man does this and the peanut
pops out. Sometime later the parents are talking and mum
comments, “Our Vera’s got a clever boyfriend there. I
wonder what will become of him.”
“I’ll tell you one thing, by the smell of his fingers, he’ll be
our son-in-law,” came the reply.
★ ★ ★
An 18-year-old boy says to his father, “Dad, I keep getting
these terrible urges, what can I do about it?”
“I think you’d better go and see my friend Bob, he’s a sex
therapist, I’m sure he’ll be able to help. Pop round to his
house this evening.”
The boy does as his father suggests, but after 5 visits there’s
no improvement. The sixth time he goes round the door is
opened by Bob’s wife who tells him the therapist has been
called away on urgent business.
“Can I help at all?” she says.
The boy tells her his problem and within moments she takes
him by the hand, leads him upstairs and makes frenzied love
to him. The next day he meets up with his father who asks
him how the treatment is going.
“It’s great now, dad,” smiles the boy. “The therapist’s wife
has got more brains between her legs than he has in his
head.”
★ ★ ★
The little girl’s mother was entertaining her next door
neighbour when her little daughter walked in.
“Hello, Mrs Crabbit, are you a gardening expert?” she asked.
“No I’m not, why do you ask?” said the puzzled neighbour.
“Mum says if there’s any dirt about you’ll dig it up.”
★ ★ ★
It was cold and pouring with rain but the boy’s mother
insisted he go and feed the animals on their freeholding
before he could have breakfast. The boy went out in a dark
rage, kicked the chickens, punched the cow and threw water
all over the pigs.
When he got back inside his mother was furious.
“How dare you!” she fumed.
“For that you get no eggs because you kicked the chickens,
no milk because you thumped the cow and no bacon because
of the way you treated the pigs.”
Just then, dad came down the stairs and nearly tripping over
the cat, he gave the animal a mighty kick. The boy turned to
his mother and said, “Are you going to tell him or shall I?”
★ ★ ★
A little girl went into her parents bedroom to find her
parents in bed.
“Well!” she exclaimed. “And you tell me off just for sucking
my thumb.”
★ ★ ★
A very rich businessman asked his small son what he would
like for Christmas.
“A baby brother please,” he replied.
“I’m sorry, son, there’s not enough time, it’s only 3 weeks to
Christmas.”
“Well, can’t you put more men on the job?” the son
suggested.
★ ★ ★
The farmer and his wife are entertaining the local bigwigs
when their son runs in and announces to his father in a loud
voice, “Dad, dad, the bull’s fucking the cow.”
After a moment of shocked silence, the farmer turns to his
son and calmly says, “Next time, son, be a little less explicit.
You should have said.
“The bull is surprising the cow. That sort of language comes
from associating with riff-raff.”
Lo and behold, the following week the farmer and his wife
are entertaining again when their son rushes in.
“Dad, dad, the bull is surprising the cows.”
“Well done, son, you’ve remembered what I told you, but
you should have said the bull is surprising the cow … it can
only surprise one cow at a time, you know.”
“But he can, dad,” insists the boy “He’s fucking the horse.”
★ ★ ★
One evening father passed his daughter’s bedroom and
heard her saying her prayers. Smiling to himself, he stopped
to listen and heard her say, “God bless mummy, God bless
daddy, God bless Grandpa, bye bye Grandma.”
How odd, thought father, but he didn’t want his daughter to
know he’d been listening so he didn’t say anything to her. But
tragically, next day Grandma collapsed and died. A few
months went by and one evening father heard his daughter
praying again.
“God bless mummy, God bless daddy, bye bye Grandpa. No,
it couldn’t mean anything thought father apprehensively, but
next morning they received a telegram to say that Grandpa
had passed away in his sleep!
The household got back to normal and almost a year passed
before father heard his daughter again.
“God bless mummy, bye bye daddy.”
Absolutely panic-stricken, father stayed up all night, too
frightened to sleep in case he didn’t wake up. The next
morning he walked to work instead of taking the car, in case
there was an accident, and spent the day at his desk doing
very little but worrying. When he got home that evening he
collapsed into a chair, his nerves in pieces, and told his wife
all about the nightmare day that he’d had.
She replied, “You’re not the only one to have had a bad day.
This morning when I opened the front door I found the
gasman dead on the front doorstep.”
★ ★ ★
Daddy was taking his young son for a walk in the park when
they passed two dogs humping. When the boy asked his
father what was happening he told him they were making a
puppy. A few days later the little boy caught his mum and
dad in the throes of sex and when he asked them what they
were doing, dad replied they were making a baby.
The little boy said, “Well, can you turn mummy over, I’d
much rather have a puppy.”
★ ★ ★
Daddy is mowing the lawn when his young son comes
running out of the house calling to him.
“Daddy, daddy, what’s sex?” asks the boy.
For a moment dad is dumbstruck but then decides that if his
son has asked the question, then he must do his best to
answer it. For the next few minutes dad talks about the birds
and the bees, then human relationships, love, the sex act,
having babies – in fact he does a pretty good job of covering
every aspect. Eventually he comes to a stop when he sees how
oddly his son is looking at him.
“Why did you want to know?” he asks.
“Well, Mummy said to come out and tell you that dinner
would be ready in two secs.”
★ ★ ★
Man to son:
Endeavour to marry a girl with small hands, it’ll make your
penis look bigger.
★ ★ ★
“Mummy, mummy, I’ve discovered how babies are made.
I saw daddy put his willy in your mouth last night.”
“No, that’s not right,” replied mummy, “that’s how I get my
expensive jewellery.”
★ ★ ★
“Mummy, mummy, what’s a pussy?” asked the small boy. His
mother went to the encyclopaedia and showed him a picture
of a cat.
“That’s a pussy,” she said.
“Mummy, mummy, what’s a bitch?” continued the little boy.
Again, mother consulted the encyclopaedia and showed her
son a picture of a dog.
But the boy wasn’t convinced so he went to his father and
asked him what a pussy was. Dad went to his magazine,
opened it at the centrefold and drew a circle.
“There you are, son,” he said, “that’s a pussy.”
Then the little boy asked him what a bitch was and dad
replied sadly, “Everything outside the circle, son.”
★ ★ ★
“Mummy, mummy, what are you doing?” exclaimed the little
boy as he walked into the bedroom to find her sitting on
daddy.
“Just flattening daddy’s tummy,” mum replied.
“I wouldn’t bother, when you go out tonight the au pair will
only blow it up again.”
★ ★ ★
“Hey June, how about a bit of slap and tickle tonight?”
“Sshh John, don’t talk like that in front of the children. Let’s
use code. Whenever you feel like it, just say, “How about
turning the washing machine on.”
A few evenings later, June turned to her husband and said,
“Shall I put the washing machine on tonight?”
“Don’t bother, love, you looked a bit tired so I did it by
hand.”
★ ★ ★
A man gets a peanut stuck firmly in his ear and no matter
how hard his wife tries, they cannot get it out. Just as they’re
about to give up, their daughter arrives home with her
boyfriend. When they hear what has happened the
boyfriend tells them confidently that he knows how to get it
out. He sticks 2 fingers up the man’s nose and tells him to
blow as hard as he can. The man does this and the peanut
pops out. Sometime later the parents are talking and mum
comments, “Our Vera’s got a clever boyfriend there. I
wonder what will become of him.”
“I’ll tell you one thing, by the smell of his fingers, he’ll be
our son-in-law,” came the reply.
★ ★ ★
An 18-year-old boy says to his father, “Dad, I keep getting
these terrible urges, what can I do about it?”
“I think you’d better go and see my friend Bob, he’s a sex
therapist, I’m sure he’ll be able to help. Pop round to his
house this evening.”
The boy does as his father suggests, but after 5 visits there’s
no improvement. The sixth time he goes round the door is
opened by Bob’s wife who tells him the therapist has been
called away on urgent business.
“Can I help at all?” she says.
The boy tells her his problem and within moments she takes
him by the hand, leads him upstairs and makes frenzied love
to him. The next day he meets up with his father who asks
him how the treatment is going.
“It’s great now, dad,” smiles the boy. “The therapist’s wife
has got more brains between her legs than he has in his
head.”
★ ★ ★
The little girl’s mother was entertaining her next door
neighbour when her little daughter walked in.
“Hello, Mrs Crabbit, are you a gardening expert?” she asked.
“No I’m not, why do you ask?” said the puzzled neighbour.
“Mum says if there’s any dirt about you’ll dig it up.”
★ ★ ★
It was cold and pouring with rain but the boy’s mother
insisted he go and feed the animals on their freeholding
before he could have breakfast. The boy went out in a dark
rage, kicked the chickens, punched the cow and threw water
all over the pigs.
When he got back inside his mother was furious.
“How dare you!” she fumed.
“For that you get no eggs because you kicked the chickens,
no milk because you thumped the cow and no bacon because
of the way you treated the pigs.”
Just then, dad came down the stairs and nearly tripping over
the cat, he gave the animal a mighty kick. The boy turned to
his mother and said, “Are you going to tell him or shall I?”
★ ★ ★
A little girl went into her parents bedroom to find her
parents in bed.
“Well!” she exclaimed. “And you tell me off just for sucking
my thumb.”
★ ★ ★
A very rich businessman asked his small son what he would
like for Christmas.
“A baby brother please,” he replied.
“I’m sorry, son, there’s not enough time, it’s only 3 weeks to
Christmas.”
“Well, can’t you put more men on the job?” the son
suggested.
★ ★ ★
The farmer and his wife are entertaining the local bigwigs
when their son runs in and announces to his father in a loud
voice, “Dad, dad, the bull’s fucking the cow.”
After a moment of shocked silence, the farmer turns to his
son and calmly says, “Next time, son, be a little less explicit.
You should have said.
“The bull is surprising the cow. That sort of language comes
from associating with riff-raff.”
Lo and behold, the following week the farmer and his wife
are entertaining again when their son rushes in.
“Dad, dad, the bull is surprising the cows.”
“Well done, son, you’ve remembered what I told you, but
you should have said the bull is surprising the cow … it can
only surprise one cow at a time, you know.”
“But he can, dad,” insists the boy “He’s fucking the horse.”
★ ★ ★
One evening father passed his daughter’s bedroom and
heard her saying her prayers. Smiling to himself, he stopped
to listen and heard her say, “God bless mummy, God bless
daddy, God bless Grandpa, bye bye Grandma.”
How odd, thought father, but he didn’t want his daughter to
know he’d been listening so he didn’t say anything to her. But
tragically, next day Grandma collapsed and died. A few
months went by and one evening father heard his daughter
praying again.
“God bless mummy, God bless daddy, bye bye Grandpa. No,
it couldn’t mean anything thought father apprehensively, but
next morning they received a telegram to say that Grandpa
had passed away in his sleep!
The household got back to normal and almost a year passed
before father heard his daughter again.
“God bless mummy, bye bye daddy.”
Absolutely panic-stricken, father stayed up all night, too
frightened to sleep in case he didn’t wake up. The next
morning he walked to work instead of taking the car, in case
there was an accident, and spent the day at his desk doing
very little but worrying. When he got home that evening he
collapsed into a chair, his nerves in pieces, and told his wife
all about the nightmare day that he’d had.
She replied, “You’re not the only one to have had a bad day.
This morning when I opened the front door I found the
gasman dead on the front doorstep.”
★ ★ ★
Daddy was taking his young son for a walk in the park when
they passed two dogs humping. When the boy asked his
father what was happening he told him they were making a
puppy. A few days later the little boy caught his mum and
dad in the throes of sex and when he asked them what they
were doing, dad replied they were making a baby.
The little boy said, “Well, can you turn mummy over, I’d
much rather have a puppy.”
★ ★ ★
THE NEW ARRIVAL
THE NEW ARRIVAL
The wife’s mother rushed into the maternity wing to find out
how her daughter was progressing. As she entered the
waiting room, she spotted her son-in-law. Unbeknown to her,
he was listening to the cricket on his IPod.
“How’s it going?” she asked anxiously.
“Not bad,” he smiled, “they’ve got four out and there’s only
one to go.”
“Aaah,” she screamed, and fainted.
★ ★ ★
The 50-year-old woman phoned up her 60-year-old husband.
“Darling, it’s a miracle, the doctor says I’m pregnant, isn’t
that wonderful? You’re going to be a father.”
“That’s great” replied the husband. “By the way, who is
this?”
★ ★ ★
Johnnie asked for time off because his wife was going to have
a baby. The following day, his boss asked him what it was – a
boy or a girl.
“Too early to say,” said Johnny.” “it’ll be another 9 months
before we know the answer to that.”
★ ★ ★
“Doctor, doctor, I’m so worried,” said the anxious man.
“Both my wife and I have black hair, but our son’s just been
born with red hair. Do you think something funny has been
going on?”
“Not necessarily,” replied the doctor. “How many times do
you have sex?”
“About 5 times a year.”
“Well, there’s your answer then, you’re just a little rusty.”
★ ★ ★
The wife’s mother rushed into the maternity wing to find out
how her daughter was progressing. As she entered the
waiting room, she spotted her son-in-law. Unbeknown to her,
he was listening to the cricket on his IPod.
“How’s it going?” she asked anxiously.
“Not bad,” he smiled, “they’ve got four out and there’s only
one to go.”
“Aaah,” she screamed, and fainted.
★ ★ ★
The 50-year-old woman phoned up her 60-year-old husband.
“Darling, it’s a miracle, the doctor says I’m pregnant, isn’t
that wonderful? You’re going to be a father.”
“That’s great” replied the husband. “By the way, who is
this?”
★ ★ ★
Johnnie asked for time off because his wife was going to have
a baby. The following day, his boss asked him what it was – a
boy or a girl.
“Too early to say,” said Johnny.” “it’ll be another 9 months
before we know the answer to that.”
★ ★ ★
“Doctor, doctor, I’m so worried,” said the anxious man.
“Both my wife and I have black hair, but our son’s just been
born with red hair. Do you think something funny has been
going on?”
“Not necessarily,” replied the doctor. “How many times do
you have sex?”
“About 5 times a year.”
“Well, there’s your answer then, you’re just a little rusty.”
★ ★ ★
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