Daddy is mowing the lawn when his young son comes
running out of the house calling to him.
“Daddy, daddy, what’s sex?” asks the boy.
For a moment dad is dumbstruck but then decides that if his
son has asked the question, then he must do his best to
answer it. For the next few minutes dad talks about the birds
and the bees, then human relationships, love, the sex act,
having babies – in fact he does a pretty good job of covering
every aspect. Eventually he comes to a stop when he sees how
oddly his son is looking at him.
“Why did you want to know?” he asks.
“Well, Mummy said to come out and tell you that dinner
would be ready in two secs.”
★ ★ ★
Man to son:
Endeavour to marry a girl with small hands, it’ll make your
penis look bigger.
★ ★ ★
“Mummy, mummy, I’ve discovered how babies are made.
I saw daddy put his willy in your mouth last night.”
“No, that’s not right,” replied mummy, “that’s how I get my
expensive jewellery.”
★ ★ ★
“Mummy, mummy, what’s a pussy?” asked the small boy. His
mother went to the encyclopaedia and showed him a picture
of a cat.
“That’s a pussy,” she said.
“Mummy, mummy, what’s a bitch?” continued the little boy.
Again, mother consulted the encyclopaedia and showed her
son a picture of a dog.
But the boy wasn’t convinced so he went to his father and
asked him what a pussy was. Dad went to his magazine,
opened it at the centrefold and drew a circle.
“There you are, son,” he said, “that’s a pussy.”
Then the little boy asked him what a bitch was and dad
replied sadly, “Everything outside the circle, son.”
★ ★ ★
“Mummy, mummy, what are you doing?” exclaimed the little
boy as he walked into the bedroom to find her sitting on
daddy.
“Just flattening daddy’s tummy,” mum replied.
“I wouldn’t bother, when you go out tonight the au pair will
only blow it up again.”
★ ★ ★
“Hey June, how about a bit of slap and tickle tonight?”
“Sshh John, don’t talk like that in front of the children. Let’s
use code. Whenever you feel like it, just say, “How about
turning the washing machine on.”
A few evenings later, June turned to her husband and said,
“Shall I put the washing machine on tonight?”
“Don’t bother, love, you looked a bit tired so I did it by
hand.”
★ ★ ★
A man gets a peanut stuck firmly in his ear and no matter
how hard his wife tries, they cannot get it out. Just as they’re
about to give up, their daughter arrives home with her
boyfriend. When they hear what has happened the
boyfriend tells them confidently that he knows how to get it
out. He sticks 2 fingers up the man’s nose and tells him to
blow as hard as he can. The man does this and the peanut
pops out. Sometime later the parents are talking and mum
comments, “Our Vera’s got a clever boyfriend there. I
wonder what will become of him.”
“I’ll tell you one thing, by the smell of his fingers, he’ll be
our son-in-law,” came the reply.
★ ★ ★
An 18-year-old boy says to his father, “Dad, I keep getting
these terrible urges, what can I do about it?”
“I think you’d better go and see my friend Bob, he’s a sex
therapist, I’m sure he’ll be able to help. Pop round to his
house this evening.”
The boy does as his father suggests, but after 5 visits there’s
no improvement. The sixth time he goes round the door is
opened by Bob’s wife who tells him the therapist has been
called away on urgent business.
“Can I help at all?” she says.
The boy tells her his problem and within moments she takes
him by the hand, leads him upstairs and makes frenzied love
to him. The next day he meets up with his father who asks
him how the treatment is going.
“It’s great now, dad,” smiles the boy. “The therapist’s wife
has got more brains between her legs than he has in his
head.”
★ ★ ★
The little girl’s mother was entertaining her next door
neighbour when her little daughter walked in.
“Hello, Mrs Crabbit, are you a gardening expert?” she asked.
“No I’m not, why do you ask?” said the puzzled neighbour.
“Mum says if there’s any dirt about you’ll dig it up.”
★ ★ ★
It was cold and pouring with rain but the boy’s mother
insisted he go and feed the animals on their freeholding
before he could have breakfast. The boy went out in a dark
rage, kicked the chickens, punched the cow and threw water
all over the pigs.
When he got back inside his mother was furious.
“How dare you!” she fumed.
“For that you get no eggs because you kicked the chickens,
no milk because you thumped the cow and no bacon because
of the way you treated the pigs.”
Just then, dad came down the stairs and nearly tripping over
the cat, he gave the animal a mighty kick. The boy turned to
his mother and said, “Are you going to tell him or shall I?”
★ ★ ★
A little girl went into her parents bedroom to find her
parents in bed.
“Well!” she exclaimed. “And you tell me off just for sucking
my thumb.”
★ ★ ★
A very rich businessman asked his small son what he would
like for Christmas.
“A baby brother please,” he replied.
“I’m sorry, son, there’s not enough time, it’s only 3 weeks to
Christmas.”
“Well, can’t you put more men on the job?” the son
suggested.
★ ★ ★
The farmer and his wife are entertaining the local bigwigs
when their son runs in and announces to his father in a loud
voice, “Dad, dad, the bull’s fucking the cow.”
After a moment of shocked silence, the farmer turns to his
son and calmly says, “Next time, son, be a little less explicit.
You should have said.
“The bull is surprising the cow. That sort of language comes
from associating with riff-raff.”
Lo and behold, the following week the farmer and his wife
are entertaining again when their son rushes in.
“Dad, dad, the bull is surprising the cows.”
“Well done, son, you’ve remembered what I told you, but
you should have said the bull is surprising the cow … it can
only surprise one cow at a time, you know.”
“But he can, dad,” insists the boy “He’s fucking the horse.”
★ ★ ★
One evening father passed his daughter’s bedroom and
heard her saying her prayers. Smiling to himself, he stopped
to listen and heard her say, “God bless mummy, God bless
daddy, God bless Grandpa, bye bye Grandma.”
How odd, thought father, but he didn’t want his daughter to
know he’d been listening so he didn’t say anything to her. But
tragically, next day Grandma collapsed and died. A few
months went by and one evening father heard his daughter
praying again.
“God bless mummy, God bless daddy, bye bye Grandpa. No,
it couldn’t mean anything thought father apprehensively, but
next morning they received a telegram to say that Grandpa
had passed away in his sleep!
The household got back to normal and almost a year passed
before father heard his daughter again.
“God bless mummy, bye bye daddy.”
Absolutely panic-stricken, father stayed up all night, too
frightened to sleep in case he didn’t wake up. The next
morning he walked to work instead of taking the car, in case
there was an accident, and spent the day at his desk doing
very little but worrying. When he got home that evening he
collapsed into a chair, his nerves in pieces, and told his wife
all about the nightmare day that he’d had.
She replied, “You’re not the only one to have had a bad day.
This morning when I opened the front door I found the
gasman dead on the front doorstep.”
★ ★ ★
Daddy was taking his young son for a walk in the park when
they passed two dogs humping. When the boy asked his
father what was happening he told him they were making a
puppy. A few days later the little boy caught his mum and
dad in the throes of sex and when he asked them what they
were doing, dad replied they were making a baby.
The little boy said, “Well, can you turn mummy over, I’d
much rather have a puppy.”
★ ★ ★
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