THE MOVIES

THE MOVIES

Taking his girlfriend to the cinema, the man’s wig fell off
when they were canoodling in the back row. As he felt
around trying to find it, his hand accidentally went up his
girlfriend’s skirt.
“Oooh…” she moaned, “Go on, go on, that’s it.”
“No, it can’t be,” he said. “I part mine on the right.”

★ ★ ★

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods
when she was suddenly attacked by a huge wolf.
“At last, at last,” laughed the wolf. “I’m going to eat you all
up.”
“Oh sod it,” said Little Red Riding Hood, “doesn’t anyone
fuck these days?”

★ ★ ★

While on holiday, the Seven Dwarfs visit the local convent to
buy some souvenirs. They meet up with the Mother Superior
and Dopey stops to talk to her.
“Excuse me, your holy one, do you have any short nuns
here?” Mother Superior is quite puzzled by the question but
replies, “Not very short, some around 5 foot.”
“Are you sure there aren’t any nuns about 3 foot in height?”
he persists.
“No, no, no one like that.”
As the dwarfs leave, the Mother Superior follows them
quietly down the road to try and discover the reason for such
an odd question. She overhears the other dwarfs asking him
what was said, and he replies, “She said they don’t have any.”
On hearing this, the dwarfs fall about laughing and
chanting: “Dopey’s fucked a penguin, Dopey’s fucked a
penguin.”

★ ★ ★

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.

★ ★ ★

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson went on a camping trip
to Dartmoor and as they lay down for the night Sherlock
Holmes said, “Doctor Watson, my old friend, when you look
up into the darkness, please tell me what you see.”
“Well, I can see a very clear sky, there are no clouds and the
stars are out in their millions. I can see the Milky Way and I
believe that extra bright star over there is the planet Venus
which you can see at this time of the year. I would also
deduce that being such a clear night will mean that it will get
quite chilly.”
Watson laughed and said, “But knowing you, Sherlock, I’m
sure there are many things I have missed. What have you
deduced?” There was a moment’s silence and then Holmes
replied, “Somebody’s nicked our tent.”

★ ★ ★

The Lone Ranger and Tonto have just spent a month riding
through the desert before landing up at Prickly Gulch Creek
where they go into the saloon for a much needed drink.
They’ve only been in there a few minutes when a man runs
in asking if anyone owns a big white horse.
“That’s mine,” replies the Lone Ranger. “Is there anything
wrong?”
“Sure is, the animal’s collapsed,” says the man.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto go outside to see poor Silver
lying prostrate on the ground, but after giving him some
water he seems to revive a bit. The Lone Ranger turns to
Tonto and says, “Will you just run around him for a few
minutes so he can feel a breeze and that’ll soon put him
right.”
Tonto starts to run around Silver while the Lone Ranger goes
back inside to finish his drink. A moment later another man
rushes in asking who owns the white horse outside.
“Bloody hell,” says the Lone Ranger. “That’s mine, now
what’s wrong?”
“Oh your horse is alright,” says the man, “but you’ve left
your injun running.”

★ ★ ★

Two women are watching a film in the cinema when one
turns to the other in surprise.
“You’re not going to believe this, Mav, but the man sitting
next to me is masturbating.”
“Dirty bugger, just ignore him,” she hisses.
“I can’t, he’s using my hand.”

★ ★ ★

A cowboy walks into a saloon wearing a paper suit and is
immediately arrested by the sheriff for rustling.

★ ★ ★

A man walks into a saloon, draws his gun and shoots the
piano player dead.
“I’ve been itching to do that for a long time,” he says, “that
bloody noise has been driving me mad.”
The barman beckons the man to one side.
“Mind if I give you a bit of advice, Mister? If I were you I
would file off any sharp edges on your gun and grease the
barrel.”
“Is that supposed to make me a better shot?” asks the
cowboy.
“No, but you’ll find it’ll make things easier for you. That
piano player you just killed has two big, mean brothers and
when news gets to them about what you did, they’ll shove
that gun right up your arse.”

★ ★ ★

Peter was hooked on gambling and more than half his wages
each week would be lost on this addiction – from the horses,
dogs and more obscure pastimes such as cock fighting and
ferrets. One evening, he was returning home after becoming
champion for keeping a ferret down your trousers for the
longest time, when he passed the local cinema and
discovered they were showing a film he badly wanted to see.
No animals were allowed inside but that was no problem.
Peter stuck the ferret down his trousers. Halfway through
the picture, he unzipped his flies to give the animal some air.
A young girl was sitting next to him and she suddenly nudged
her friend and whispered frantically, “Sharon, that man’s got
his dick out!”
“Sshh, just ignore him,” replied her friend.
“But I can’t,” she moaned, “it’s nibbling my knee.”

★ ★ ★

A very popular film was being shown at the local cinema and
the place was packed. Suddenly a woman stood up and with
a scream rushed out into the foyer to search out the
manager.
“I’ll never come back here again,” she complained. “I’ve just
been interfered with.”
A short while later another woman ran out looking
distressed, complaining of the same thing.
“I’m not having this,” said the manager and he decided to
track down the pervert. Shining his torch along the rows he
eventually discovered a man crawling along under the seats.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he roared.
“It’s my toupee,” replied the man. “I’ve lost it. I had my hand
on it twice, but it got away.”

★ ★ ★

Deep in the heart of Sherwood Forest, Robin Hood was
lying in bed in his cottage, only a few days from death.
“Little John,” he croaked “give me my bow and arrow and
open the window. I will fire the arrow and wherever it lands,
please bury me there.”
And indeed, a few days later, Robin died and having
promised to carry out his final wish, Little John and the rest
of the Merry Men buried Robin on top of the wardrobe.

★ ★ ★