THE LAW

THE LAW

The woman was up in court for a second time, filing for
divorce. Three years earlier she had divorced her first
husband because she claimed his “tackle” was too big. This
time she wanted a divorce because her husband was “too
small.”
The judge granted her divorce but just before she left the
court he gave her some words of warning.
“Madam, this court does not want to see you here again so be
careful how you choose a third husband. We have more
important things to do than sort out the right fitting for you.”

★ ★ ★

One day while on traffic control, a policeman flags down a
car for speeding. As he walks up to the car he sees it is being
driven by a beautiful brunette.
“Excuse me, Miss, did you not see the signs, this is a 30 mph
zone and you were going at least 50 mph. May I see your
licence and insurance please?”
“Oh dear,” replies the dizzy girl. Do you mean these,
officer?” and she hands him some documents from her bag.
“That’s right, Miss, won’t be a moment”, and with that he
walks over to his car to radio in the details.
“I think I know this woman,” comes the reply, “is she a dizzy
brunette?”
“Yes, why?”
“Just go back over and take your trousers down.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” says the policeman in
amazement.
“Don’t worry, just do as I say, it’ll be fine.”
So the policeman returns to the woman’s car, hands back her
documents and drops his trousers.
“Oh wow,” she replies, “not another breathalyser.”

★ ★ ★

It was late at night and the police were out checking for
erratic driving. They spotted a car travelling alone along the
dual carriageway and decided to follow it. The car never
exceeded the speed limit, gave all the correct signals as it left
the main road and when they reached the town it pulled up
correctly at all the traffic lights. Eventually, the police car
overtook the car and flagged it down.
“Good evening, Sir,” said the policeman.
“We felt we had to stop you to congratulate you on your
perfect driving skills.”
“Well, thank you, officer,” replied the driver, “I always drive
very carefully, especially when I’ve had a bit to drink.”

★ ★ ★

Three country lads were out in the big city when they were
attacked by a mugger.
“Give me all your valuables,” he hissed, “or I’ll inject you
with AIDS.”
Immediately, two of the lads handed over their wallets and
then ran away. The third lad, however, refused so the
mugger injected him. Later, when the three lads met up, the
two who had handed over all their money looked at their
friend aghast.
“Don’t you realise what he’s done? You’ve been injected with
AIDS.”
The third lad smiled.
“No, no, it’s alright, I’m wearing a condom.”

★ ★ ★

“You are up before this court for the hideous crime of
making love to your wife after she had died. Do you have
anything to say in your defence?”
“Yes, your honour. I didn’t know she was dead, she’d been
like that for years.”

★ ★ ★

A music hall entertainer is stopped by the police for having
a faulty break light, and on the back seat of the car, the
policeman spots a whole set of knives. He asks the man why
he has them – doesn’t he know it’s against the law to carry
knives.
The man explains that the knives are used in his act – he
juggles them.
The policeman insists the man gets out to show him so he
stands at the roadside performing his act. Just then, another
car drives by and the driver turns to his wife, saying, “Thank
goodness I gave up the demon drink, just look how the
police test you these days.”

★ ★ ★

A man stumbles into the police station yelling blue murder
that his car has been stolen.
“Can you tell me where you left it, Sir?” asks the duty
sergeant.
“On the end of this bloody key,” he screeches.
Now it had been a difficult evening and the duty sergeant’s
temper was at boiling point. He retorted, “Listen here, you
wretched little man, you’re so bloody drunk, you can’t
remember anything and your whole behaviour is
disgraceful. Why! you’ve even left your flies undone.”
“Fucking hell,” slurred the drunk, “they’ve stolen my
girlfriend as well.”

★ ★ ★

The traffic police flag down a car for driving erratically and
ask the driver, a young girl, to step out of the car and take a
breathalyser test. As they look at the results, the policeman
turns to the girl and remarks severely, “You’ve had a few stiff
ones tonight, Miss.”
“Oh my goodness,” she exclaims blushing. “I didn’t know it
told you that as well.”

★ ★ ★

“You are up before this court for entering a dog in the local
pet show,” said the judge. “You will go to prison for 3
months.”

★ ★ ★

“Okay, this is a robbery, everyone down on the floor
immediately,” shouted the armed raiders as they ran into the
bank. Everyone lay face down on the floor except for one
girl who lay on her back.
“Hey,” whispered her friend, “this is a bank robbery, not the
office party, so turn over.”

★ ★ ★

A very drunk man was walking down the street, one foot on
the pavement and the other on the road.
“I shall have to arrest you for being drunk,” said the
policeman.
“Drunk?” said the man. “How can you tell?”
“You are walking with one foot on the pavement and the
other on the road,” replied the officer.
“Oh that’s wonderful” said the drunk, “for a while I thought
I had one leg shorter than the other.”

★ ★ ★

The traffic police spotted a man staggering towards his car
and opening the driver’s door. They stopped and confronted
him.
“Excuse me, sir, but I hope you are not intending to drive the
car?”
“Of course I am, officer,” he slurred. “I’m in no state to
walk.”

★ ★ ★

A naive young man found himself in the wrong part of town
late at night, and got attacked by a gang of muggers. He put
up a terrific fight but was eventually overcome and lay
bleeding on the ground. When the muggers went through
his pockets, all they found was a handful of loose change.
“You went through all that just to protect a few coins?” they
asked amazed.
“Oh I see,” said the man. “For a while I thought you were
after the £500 hidden in my shoe.”

★ ★ ★

“What’s wrong, miss?” asked the kindly policeman when he
saw the girl crying.
“A thief has just stolen £20 I had hidden inside my
knickers,” she sobbed.
“Did you try to stop him?”
“I didn’t know he was only after my money.”

★ ★ ★

The traffic police flagged down the car.
“Excuse me, Sir, you’ve just hit four parked cars and driven
straight over the middle of the roundabout. It’s obvious you
are very drunk.”
“Officer, thank you so much for telling me. I thought the
steering had gone on the car.”

★ ★ ★

The judge turned to the woman and asked, “I see you’re
divorcing your husband on the grounds that he is a slob and
uncouth. Can you give me any examples of this?”
“Yes, your honour. Whenever we go out he always drinks tea
with his pinkie sticking out.”
“But there’s nothing wrong with that,” said the judge. “It’s
considered good manners in some circles to drink tea with
the little finger sticking out.”
“But I wasn’t talking about fingers,” she replied accusingly.

★ ★ ★

A gang of notorious bank robbers stormed through the
doors waving their guns and demanding all the customers
line up against the wall. While some of his men started
putting the money from the safe into bags, the leader
shouted to his hostages, “Before we go, we’re going to rape
all the men and rob all the women.”
Hearing this, one of the gang turned to him and said, “Boss,
you mean rape all the women and rob all the men.”
Suddenly a young gay man said, “Hey, he’s the boss, you
should do as he says.”

★ ★ ★

The judge turned to the farmer and said, “Mr Brown, you
are in this court to claim damages against this truck driver,
for the awful injuries you sustained at the time of the
accident. And yet, Mr Brown, at the time of the accident you
were heard to say to the policeman that you’d never felt
better. Kindly explain.”
“It’s like this, your honour” replied the farmer. “At the time
of the accident the policeman went over to my dog, and
seeing it was so badly injured, he shot it. Then he went over
to my two cows and when he saw they had broken legs, he
shot them as well. So when he came and asked me how I felt,
I thought it was a good idea to tell him I’d never felt better.”

★ ★ ★

Instead of sending two convicted drug dealers to jail, the
judge decides to give them both 250 hours of community
service.
“You will work in a drug rehabilitation centre, explaining to
those poor addicts the evils of drug abuse. After your
sentence you will return to me with a full report of your
work.”
The two drug dealers carry out the judge’s wishes and return
to him at the end of their sentence.
“How did it go?” the judge asks the first man.
“I managed to get 31 people off drugs,” he replies.
“Well done, and how did you manage that?”
“I drew two circles – one large and one small. I told them the
large circle was the size of their brain before drugs, and the
small circle was what their brain would be like after drugs.”
The judge then asks the second man how he did.
“I got 200 people off drugs,” he replies.
“But that’s staggering,” says the judge. “How did you manage
that?”
“Well, I drew two pictures – a small circle and a large circle.
I showed them the small circle first and told them that was
their arsehole before going into prison …”

★ ★ ★

A young woman is alone in a railway carriage when a
dishevelled lout walks in, sits opposite her and takes out a
packet of peeled prawns to eat. Belching and farting, he eats
his way through the packet and then throws the empty carton
onto the floor.
At this point the young woman gets up, gathers together all
the rubbish and throws it out of the window. She then pulls
the communication cord.
“You silly bitch,” he chuckles, “that’ll cost you a £50 fine.”
“Maybe,” replies the lady. “But it’ll cost you 15 years when
they smell your fingers.”

★ ★ ★

A simple young man got very drunk one day and was caught
short on the way home so he relieved himself in the local
river. At that moment a policeman came along and shouted
to him.
“Stop that immediately, put it away and go home, you
drunken sod.”
The man stuck his dick back inside his trousers and started
to laugh.
“What the hell are you laughing at?” demanded the
policeman.
“Ha, ha,” replied the man. “I really tricked you this time. I
put it away but I didn’t stop.”

★ ★ ★

“Have you anything to say before I pass sentence?” asked the
judge.
“Fuck all,” said the defendant.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear that,” replied the judge and turning
to the clerk of the court, he asked him what the man had
said.
“He said Fuck all,” responded the court official.
“Really?” puzzled the judge. “I could have sworn I saw his
lips move.”

★ ★ ★

A simple man was accused of stalking a beautiful young girl
and was told he would have to line up in an identity parade.
When they took the girl along the line, he shouted loudly,
“That’s her.”

★ ★ ★

“Mr Makepiece, you are up before this court for possessing
a counterfeit press. Although no money can be found, I
pronounce you guilty of intent to produce counterfeit
money. Do you have anything to say?” asked the judge.
“Just one thing, your honour. You’d better find me guilty of
adultery as well because I have the equipment for that too.”

★ ★ ★

“Mr Luckless, before I pass sentence, do you have anyone
who could vouch for your good character?” asked the judge.
“Yes, Your Honour, I do,” he replied.
“Him over there” and he pointed to the local police officer.
“But your Honour,” spluttered the officer, “I’ve never met
this man in my life.”
“Exactly,” exclaimed Mr Luckless, triumphantly. “I’ve lived in
this town for twenty years and the police still don’t know me.
Now doesn’t that show good character?”

★ ★ ★

The head of the East End gang was Walter “Shooter”
Menagle. He and his thugs earned thousands of pounds a
month from protection rackets, gambling syndicates and
general crime. One day, one of his trusted men asked him if
he could find a job for his nephew who was deaf and dumb.
“Sure,” said Menagle, “get him to be a runner for the
casinos. So young Ken joined the gang and went about his
business unnoticed by those around him until one fatal
morning when he and his uncle were called to Menagle’s
office.
“Now listen and listen good,” said Menagle to the uncle.
“Your-low-down no-good nephew has been stealing money
from me. Bit by bit over these past few months, it’s added
up to over £1⁄4 million. I want it back. NOW. Go on, tell him.”
The shocked uncle turned to his nephew and in sign
language asked him what he had done with the money. Ken
shook his head and Menagle flew into a rage. Taking a gun
out of his jacket he aimed it at the boy’s head and screamed,
“Get that fucker to tell me where the money is or he can start
to say his prayers.”
Again, the uncle asked his nephew in sign language and this
time the terrified boy responded by signing that he’d hidden
the money in his uncle’s garage.
“Well,” demanded Menagle. “What’s he saying?”
“He said he doesn’t believe you’d shoot him, he thinks you’ll
chicken out.”

★ ★ ★

A fishing boat had crashed onto the rocks in heavy seas and
the lighthouse keeper was taken to court for negligence. His
lawyer asked him “Did you carry out your duties on the night
in question?”
The lighthouse keeper described his work, how the
machinery flashed the light on and off and how he
constantly watched the seas through his telescope. The jury
was so impressed with his testimony that they found him not
guilty.
Later, the lawyer congratulated him on being such a clear
speaker.
“Thank you,” said the lighthouse keeper, “but I was worried
for a while.”
“How come?” asked the lawyer.
“I was worried that someone was going to ask me if the light
was working.”

★ ★ ★

The timid man was put in jail for jaywalking and found
himself sharing a cell with a huge brute of a man – 19 stone,
hairy and rough and doing life for murder.
“Now let’s get one thing sorted out straight away,” he
snarled, “are you going to be the husband or the wife?”
Terrified of the consequences, the poor man stuttered “I,
I’ll – er – be the husband,” thinking it was the better of two
evils.
“Okay, husband, grinned the brute. “Get down on your
knees and suck your wife’s dick.”

★ ★ ★

“Mr O’Malley, you are up before this court for being drunk
and disorderly. Do you have anything to say in your
defence?”
“Yes, your honour. I fell into bad company. I met some nondrinkers
in the park.”
“But why should that be bad?”
“I had a bottle of whisky with me and I had to drink it all
myself.”

★ ★ ★

It was a big day in the remote Welsh town because old Lloyd
was up in court for indecent behaviour with a sheep. All the
townspeople packed into the small court to hear the
proceedings. The one and only witness took the stand and
was asked what he had seen.” Well, your honour, I see’s old
Lloyd walk up behind this sheep, drop his trousers and hold
onto the sheep’s back. There was a bit of shaking and then
he pulled his trousers back up, and the sheep turned around
and licked his face.”
At that point, one of the men on the jury turned to his fellow
jurors and whispered, “You can tell it’s a good sheep when it
does that.”
“Quite right,” said the others, nodding their heads.

★ ★ ★