LOVE’S YOUNG DREAM

LOVE’S YOUNG DREAM

The young couple had just got down to business when the
girl suddenly stopped.
“What’s wrong, sweetheart, am I hurting you, shall I take it
out?”
“Yes,” she murmured. “Would you mind taking it out and
then putting it in a few times until I make up my mind?”

★ ★ ★

“Hello, Colin, what are you doing riding around on that
woman’s bicycle?”
“Well, it’s a long story,” replied Des. “I was on my way into
town when this lady passes me on a bicycle. She stops, waits
for me to catch up, gives me a kiss and then takes her clothes
off!”
“You can have anything you want,” she says, so I took the
bicycle…Well, I’m not a pervert, I don’t wear women’s
clothes.”

★ ★ ★

Halfway up a 1 in 4 hill the couple’s car spluttered to a halt.
“Shall we get out and push it up?” asked the man.
“That’s a good idea,” she replied, “but will it be alright to
leave the car here?”

★ ★ ★

On another occasion the car broke down on a very cold
winter’s day.
“I’ll soon have it mended,” said the man and he jumped out
of the car and tinkered about underneath the bonnet. Five
minutes later he got back in the car and put his hands
between her legs.
“It’s so cold out there, my hands are freezing up so I’m just
trying to warm them,” he explained.
Over an hour went past and every 10 minutes he would jump
back in the car to warm up his hands between her legs. On
the seventh occasion she turned to him and said, “It’s a
shame your ears don’t suffer from the cold as well.”

★ ★ ★

“Oh my darling,” whispered the passionate young man. “Am
I the first man you’ve ever made love to?”
“Yes, yes,” she replied, looking bored. “Why do men always
ask the same silly question?”

★ ★ ★

How do you know if your girlfriend’s frigid?
When she opens her legs, the light goes on.

★ ★ ★

A bloke was walking through the park late at night when he
stood on a man’s bottom.
“Oh thank you,” said a girl’s voice.

★ ★ ★

It was 11.30 at night as the young couple made their way back
from the pub. Suddenly they could contain their passion no
longer and stopping by a fence he took her there and then.
Unfortunately their excitement was so boisterous that the
fence was knocked down and the sound brought the
householder storming down the garden.
“What the hell’s going on?” he yelled. “I want £60 now to
repair that bloody fence.”
The man paid up and later when they were alone, he turned
to his girlfriend and said, “Come on, Sylvie, you’re always on
about equal rights, how about giving me half towards the
fence?”
“Get real!” she answered. “You were the one doing all the
pushing.”

★ ★ ★

What is an outdoor girl?
One with the bloom of youth in her cheeks and the cheek of
youth in her bloomers.

★ ★ ★

The village idiot was getting a lot of teasing from the local
boys.
“Hello, Jake,” they said. “We hear you’ve been practising a
lot of sexual positions.”
“That’s right,” he said proudly. “I hopes to try them on girls
soon.”

★ ★ ★

A rather reticent young girl was asked how she got on with
her new boyfriend.
“Let’s just say my legs are my best friends,” she replied
mysteriously.
“Oh come on,” said her mate. “What does that mean?”
“It means he came on too strong so I walked home.”
A few weeks later the two friends were talking and the girl’s
mate asked her how her new date went on the previous
night.
“Pretty much as before,” she replied. “My legs are my best
friends.”
Time went by and on the third time they met up, the girl
looked radiantly happy.
“You’re looking well,” commented her mate. “Something’s
doing you good.”
“Oh yes,” replied the girl. “I’ve met this wonderful bloke and
let’s just say even the best of friends must part.”

★ ★ ★

Overheard in a parked car down lover’s lane:
“Suck, suck, Emma…blow is just a figure of speech.”

★ ★ ★

Did you hear about the young girl who swallowed a pin when
she was 10 and never felt a prick until she was 19?

★ ★ ★

“Now don’t forget,” said mother as her daughter went out
on her first date, “say no to everything he suggests.”
Later on in the evening after they’d been out to dinner he
turned to her and asked, “Do you mind if we go back to my
place for a bit of sex?”

★ ★ ★

“Hey darling, what do you think of this photo, it’s me posing
for the centrefold – good ain’t it?” boasted the young man.
“Mmm,” replied the girl. “If I were you, I’d get it enlarged.”

★ ★ ★

The boy was so frustrated. He’d been seeing this girl for
over a month but apart from some kissing and cuddling,
he’d never made a move on her because he was embarrassed
at the small size of his willy. Eventually, he plucked up all his
courage took it out and placed it in her hand.
“No thanks,” she said, “I don’t smoke.”

★ ★ ★

“Why have you got those marks on your knees?” her friend
asked.
“Oh, it’s making love, doggie style.”
“Well, why don’t you change positions?”
“I’m willing, but the dog isn’t.”

★ ★ ★

After thrashing away for a good five minutes, the man lay
back on the bed smiling smugly.
“How was it for you, darling, good?”
“Quite painless actually,” she replied. “I never felt a thing.”

★ ★ ★

Mum walks into the bedroom to find her daughter in fits of
tears.
“Oh mum, it’s so unfair. Yesterday, Derek said he’d buy me a
diamond ring if I stayed the night with him. So I did, but all
he bought was a cheap trinket.”
“My darling,” says Mum. “Always remember this and you
won’t fall into the trap again. When they’re hard they’re soft
and when they’re soft, they’re hard.”

★ ★ ★

He’s called Jack the Whistler because by putting two fingers
in his mouth his whistle can be heard over a mile away. One
evening, Jack takes his girlfriend down lovers’ lane and by
the time they’re ready to go home it’s very late and they catch
sight of the last bus disappearing round the corner.
“Quick, Jack, whistle,” urges the girlfriend. Jack starts to put
his fingers to his mouth but suddenly stops.
“No, I’ve a better idea,” he says. “I feel like a bit of exercise
tonight, let’s walk.”

★ ★ ★

A young hitch hiker got a lift with a lorry driver but halfway
through the night they found themselves stranded on top of
the moors. The driver told her they’d have to wait till
morning before getting help so she could have his bed in the
cabin and he would sleep on the seat. After a while, the girl
whispered, “It’s a shame you have to give up your bed, why
don’t you come in with me, there’s plenty of room.”
So the man got in beside her.
“It might be nice if we slept ‘married’,” she giggled.
“Whatever you like,” he said, and he turned his back to her
and went to sleep.

★ ★ ★

If only the young man had been more sexually experienced!
When she asked him if he fancied something from the
Karma Sutra, he replied, “Thanks, but not for me. Indian
food has me on the toilet all night.”

★ ★ ★

“Hi handsome! Is that a gun in your hand or are you just
pleased to see me?”
“It’s a gun,” he replied.

★ ★ ★

The man was desperate.
“But Julie, the size of a man’s tackle isn’t everything. Don’t
you think a man’s personality is more important?”
She replied, “But you haven’t much of a personality either!”

★ ★ ★

“Oh my darling, do you always kiss with your eyes closed?”
whispered the smitten young man.
“Only when I have to kiss you,” she replied.

★ ★ ★

“Oh Tracy, I love you,” he simpered. “Please tell me there’s
no one else in your life.”
“Of course there’s no one else,” she replied. “Do you think
I’d go to the cinema with a nerd like you, if there was another
man?”

★ ★ ★

Johnny and Sarah disappeared behind the barn where they
were soon rolling around on the ground, shagging for all
they were worth. All of a sudden Johnny said, “Heh doll, is
my prick in you or in the mud?”
Sarah felt around and replied, “Well I never, it’s in the mud.”
“Put it back then, sweetheart.”
A little later, Johnny asked again, “Is my prick in you or in
the mud?”
“Don’t worry, it’s alright,” said Sarah, “it’s in me.”
“Well, be a sport and put it back in the mud, would you?”

★ ★ ★

The 20-year-old son of the house was smitten with the au pair
who looked after his baby sister. He was sure he was in love
and did all he could to attract her attention. Finally, his
efforts were successful and he enticed the au pair into bed.
But to his horror, he couldn’t get Percy to rise and felt
profoundly embarrassed.
“Don’t worry about it,” said the au pair gently. “Sometimes
this happens to your father as well.”

★ ★ ★

“Hello, Bert, what a lovely day. Where are you off too?”
“I’m going courting.”
“Really! But why are you wearing wellingtons?”
“I’ve got to have somewhere to put the sheep’s back legs.”

★ ★ ★

Steve was a down-to-earth cockney lad from the East End
docks of London. At this time, he had a problem and he
didn’t know what to do. He was in love with two girls and
they were in love with him. There was Tracy who worked in
her dad’s eel pie and mash shop. She was blonde, beautiful
and funny. But there was also Maria, dark and stunning, kind
and thoughtful. One day he was passing a church and
decided to go inside for some divine inspiration. He knelt
down in one of the pews and prayed.
“Oh God, please ‘elp me. I’ve gotta decide who to wed, shall
I marry Tracy or Maria?”
When he had finished he looked up and smiled gratefully,
for over the alter he read “Ave Maria”. And that’s just what
he did.

★ ★ ★

“What’s wrong, Jake, you look all fired up,” said his mate.
“I sure am. My girl’s going to die of the clap.”
“No, don’t worry. People don’t die of the clap these days.”
“They do when they give it to me.”

★ ★ ★

An unscrupulous young man had fancied this girl for ages
but she had shown no interest in him so he decided to play a
trick on her. The next time he saw her sunbathing on the
beach he went up and said, “Hi Julie, I bet you £10 I can
keep an eye on my clothes while I dive into the sea.”
Now Julie felt pretty sure that it would be impossible for him
to dive in and watch the beach at the same time so she
accepted the bet. The young man took a false eye out of his
pocket put it on his clothes and then dived into the water.
When he returned he smiled and said, “Come on, Julie, I bet
you another £10 I can bite my own ear.”
“Oh no,” she said, “Not more tricks. I suppose it’s plastic
teeth this time?”
“I promise you they’re my own,” he said, so she accepted the
bet. He took out his false teeth and bit his own ear. Now Julie
was down £20 and feeling very annoyed.” Heh Julie, I’ll give
you a chance to win all your money back. I bet I can make
love to you and you won’t feel a thing.
“Now Julie knew all about sex and she knew that was
impossible so she took the bet. He got down on top of her
and away they went. “Ah ah” she said triumphantly. “I can
feel you!”
“Oh well,” he said grinning. “You win some, you lose some.”

★ ★ ★

“Doctor, doctor, my dick has turned yellow, what can I do?”
asked the worried young man.
“Well, that’s extraordinary,” replied the doctor. “Do you
work with dyes or chemicals?”
“No, I’m unemployed.”
“What do you do all day?”
“I just watch television and eat Quavers.”

★ ★ ★

A nymphomaniac was walking home late at night when she
was attacked and raped by a man who had been lying in wait.
When it was over he turned to her and said, “What are you
going to do now?”
“I’m going to run home and tell my flatmate I’ve been raped
twice … unless you’re not tired yet,” she replied.

★ ★ ★

It was the annual dance at the town hall and a couple were
dancing very close together. After a while the girl whispered
in his ear, “Why don’t we go outside to the car?”
“Oh I don’t know,” he said. “I like dancing.”
But the girl continued to coax him and eventually he agreed.
When they got outside it was pitch black so the man
produced a torch from his pocket.
“Have you had that torch with you all night?” she asked.
“Yes,” he said.
“Oh well, in that case let’s go back to the dance.”

★ ★ ★

A young girl travelling on a crowded train asked a man if she
could have his seat because she was pregnant. The man
immediately jumped up and the girl sat down. As the man
looked at her he remarked, “You don’t look pregnant, how
far gone are you?”
“Oh, about 30 minutes,” she replied “but it sure is
knackering.”

★ ★ ★

Three beautiful young girls are walking along the beach
when they come across a man sunbathing. He has no arms
or legs. The first girl goes up to him and says, “Have you ever
been hugged?”
The man shakes his head, so she bends down and gives him
a big hug. The second girl asks him if he has ever been
kissed. Again he shakes his head so she bends down and
gives him a long lingering kiss. Then the third girl asks him
if he has ever been fucked.
“No, no,” he stammers, his face lighting up in anticipation.
“Well, you are now,” she replies “the tide’s coming in.”

★ ★ ★

Looking through an open bedroom window one night, a
Peeping Tom came upon a young couple playing a rather
kinky game. Stark naked, they were sitting in opposite
corners of the room, a bag of marbles besides the man, and
a pile of hoops besides the woman. As he watched the
woman threw a hoop and it landed on the man’s erect penis.
“Hooray!” she said “One to me”.
Then the man rolled a marble straight between her legs and
cheered “Now it’s one all.”
The next day the Peeping Tom’s wife was going shopping
and asked him if there was anything he needed.
“Yes,” he replied with a secret grin on his face “A bag of
sprouts and a packet of polo mints.”

★ ★ ★